Yesterday Julia, Erica and I met up at one of our favorite Sunday hot-spots: the Stonestown Mall. If you looked up mallrat in the dictionary you would likely find pictures of Erica and I as 7th graders. After catching up over some Panda Express, sushi, and Korean noodles, we checked out shoes at Nordstrom. We were taken by the plethora of sparkly wonders!
We also found one fit for ridicule.
Back at our respective homes, Julia and I continued to think about shoes, which reminded me of this gem of a song:
I learned a lot about Coco and her husband Ice T through watching their reality show [ed. note: Nora originally wrote "their reality shoe"] Ice Loves Coco.” While their beverage counterparts may not go well together, the love they share is really rather beautiful. Here are some fun facts:
1. Coco has an office on the set of Law and Order: SVU (I bet she was as upset as Julia and I about Elliot Stabler’s departure).
2. Ice and Coco share a cell phone because they are always together.
3. Coco loves only 2 things more than her shoes: Ice, and their dog Spartacus.
4. On this season of “Ice Loves Coco” they were working on turning Spartacus into a dog model- maybe he and Billy can be friends!
Thanks to Nora and Erica, I now know that there are such a thing as socks for flats. I have never been one to want to buy heels. I think this is mostly because I am extremely inpatient and heels slow me down. I got places to go. You know, I learned this at from Dr. Suess at an early age.
I was being a total idiot and did not realize that Last Christmas was a Wham! song. I also did not realize that George Michael was in Wham! I also did not realize how INCREDIBLE and EPIC the video is. The Brits do some things right, I suppose. Thank you to UK Correspondent, Matt, for sharing these videos with us. If you have a moment, please comment and send him your apologies about the Welsh rugby team getting screwed over by a horrible ref that made a bad call in France’s favor. BOO.
Today I had the honor of meeting Billy Joel the dog. He was one of the most amazing dogs I have ever met. He is not jumpy, nor does he smell. These are two qualities about dogs that I dislike, but Billy was just like a small friend. He also was a very good subject for photos. He has natural chemistry as a dog model. I don’t think that I have met many dogs that I like as much as him! He is Jewish and will apparently NOT be wearing any Easter clothes according to his mother. I think a springtime outfit might be okay, though.
Billy’s sister Nora and his mom Debbi took him to the salon today and he fit right in. He loved wear curlers and sitting under one of those alien things. ”Loved” might be an overstatement, but he definitely tolerated it. Billy’s dad helped pose him.
When I met Billy, I was taken by his ability to be able to work in the dog model industry. He did not get tired during or shoot and he did not complain at all. I think he might have what it takes to strike a pose. Get ready, Tyra.
One of the only women's bathroom signs I have ever enjoyed
This was for me and Molly...really...it was!
Gina and her bridesmaids at a bar called Duke's
Gina and Brent at a really classy joint called Senor Frog's that is meant for spring break kids. Wow, I feel old.
Gina in front of the bathroom. I really liked the yellow wall and made her take multiple photos. She was a very patient subject for photos.
Bizarre trees!!
It is always fun to be with Molly, but esp now that she's not a vegan!
Just the usual "look at us in paradise" shot!
Molly in her hippie element. We saw a little girl doing handstands, so I encouraged Molly to do some so I could take photos of her. She really enjoyed the shoot.
Gratuitous cloud photo.
Ridiculous, right?
Newlyweds when instructed to do a "funny and original" photo.
Feeling the music.
Post costume-change w/ bridesmaids.
At the wedding next to Gina and Brent. We though the step and repeat was a little bit tacky, but this did not stop us from taking photos w/ it.
Did you know pineapples don't grow on trees? No, apparently they don't. Thanks Dole Plantation!
Sights from our trip to the North Shore of Oahu.
Computer art in Waimea, which is hilarious because Brent is obsessed with Apple.
Amazing tiled wall...oh, and Molly.
Rocking Camp T at a Thai place. My halloween costume: camp counselor?
Seriously amazing spring rolls.
Pretty old sawmill outside a gas station with probably the most disgusting bathroom ever. It contained a lot of human hair, feathers, and grime. PUKE.
I did study poetry.
Amazing yellow friend in a sushi place that I thought was incredible and Molly found creepy. We'll see who befriends him first!
Tonight I saw La Stone perform at her church Martuni’s. It was a lovely affair, full of gay men, my mom, Nathan, Eliza, and Alyssa (with Robbie and Erica) performing the work of Dreamgirls. She titled the show Dream, Grrrl! Eliza apparently came up with the title and concept. Eliza was sick this evening but still made it to the event–what a friend. In addition to singing Dreamgirls music, Alyssa also sang a medley of Beyonce songs, rapped, and read journal entries from her 6th grade diaries. She was not only hilarious and talented, but also a real entertainer. One of themes of her journal entries was a crush she had on a boy named Scott. In a later entry we learn that Scott is gay and young Alyssa decides she doesn’t have as much of a crush on him anymore.
I took this photo with my phone.
Nathan has been going on and on about Gingerbread. I pretended to know what he was talking about until he just simply would not shut up about it. Apparently it is NOT about cookies, but something about my Android. BORING. Sometimes Nathan is too much of a geek and I cannot handle it.
When asked about Alyssa, Jay Z said, “What I’ve learned from her is similar to what I learned from Mike [Jackson] – and I know that’s blasphemy to compare the two because Mike was such an innovator – but I think she’s like the second coming.”
Beyonce said of Alyssa, “She has an authentic, God-given talent, drive, and longevity that will always separate her from everyone else. She has been fortunate enough to accomplish things that the younger generation of queens dream of accomplishing.”
We at Self Promotion are DEEPLY sorry for our lack of content in over 1 week. As my wise cousin said, “How else am I supposed to get through my day?” We very much understand where she is coming from, not only because we are egotistical, but because we, too, rely heavily on blogs and news sources to keep us entertained.
I have been working at the BBQ Garden Center. I really like working there. I am my own boss. I mostly just water the plants, eat strawberries, and listen to Biggie. It is a difficult job, but someone has to do it.
I think I am finally getting into Google+, mostly just because it allows me to share funny articles and get rated on it. I enjoy its casual tone.
I found some of my soccer trophies and I thought I’d share one of them with you, just in case you were having doubts about my athletic prowess and ability to achieve greatness.
Not only were were great athletes, we got be in the CA opening ceremonies during the 1994 World Cup. It was epic. I got to run around the field with a soccer ball. Never before have I been in such an amazing ceremony or so close to pro athletes (Brazil!)!
I think I knew that Nora and I would be friends for life when she told me that one night she couldn’t sleep because she was too excited to wake up in the morning to call Kaiser and yell at them. It’s people like Nora that make me feel human. Not only does she share my love for the Royals, celebrity scandals, Noe Valley, frozen yogurt, and social media, she is an all around hilarious Jewish person, not unlike our editor at large Mr. Simrin (Jono.) I think instead of Jewish American princess, we can call Nora/Jono HJP. Not quite as catchy, but far more accurate.
Julix: I was thinking yesterday that we have a love for trashy news/social media in common which is one of my biggest interests! You should write a guest post about social media for my blog.
This is a conversation I had with the one and only Julix on g-chat- the penultimate internet chat program (also preferred chat program of one Benjamin Simrin, common subject of this blog). I love social media, and let me tell you why: I am a nosy asshole. I want to be all up in your business. I don’t plan to use any of this information against you, but my curiosity and secret desire to be a detective feeds on it. I am also awesome at social media/the internet. Really- it’s on my resume. I also love Julix. We met in the bathroom at camp (R.I.P.) when we were 14, realized we had a lot of friends in common, and have been friends ever since. Thus, there was no way I could turn down this proposal.
Topic 1: Facebook
When Facebook first came into my life, it was a godsend. Freshman year of college started with only one source to look up the people that my friends and I drunkenly made out with at parties- our trusty CheeChako (freshman face book published by the university). If anyone was hitting it with an older man, there was no way to easily track down a picture of him to then make fun of. Soon we realized that sports rosters were online and typically had photos attached. Win. But what about everyone else? Then came Facebook, the answer to all our prayers. Suddenly we had the world…er…university at our fingertips. Hilarity and mockery ensued.
While I still care deeply for Facebook- I appreciate being able to keep in touch with/stalk people from my past and present, I am sad to report that it has turned into a spammy nightmare. Not only that, but my friends who use Facebook are idiots and click on spammy links that muck up my precious newsfeed. I come to you lovely idiot friends today to teach you how to spot these spammy links so that you can avoid clicking on them in the future.
This is a spammy link. They work by piquing your interest by telling you that you have to see something seemingly incredible, stupid, gross, or all of the above. Spammy links also don’t show you the full URL address- they use URL shorteners. Don’t click on this shit.
Another spammy link. If you have to click the link to read the quote, don’t. It’s going to post that shit all over my news feed.
What can you do about spammy links? If someone posts a spammy link and it shows up on your news feed, you can fight back by clicking on the X that appears in the right-hand corner when you mouse over the post. From here, click on “report post/spam.” Not only will this remove the item from your newsfeed, but it will send a signal to Facebook to get their act together.
Topic 2: Twitter
Twitter rules and is better than Facebook in almost every respect (admittedly in a Facebook vs. Twitter battle of photo sharing, Facebook still wins). There are a lot of things I like about Twitter. 1. I don’t like reading newspapers, but I like reading news on Twitter and now I feel more cultured and relevant. I follow lots of news sources on Twitter- local, national, international, as well as assorted breaking news feeds (@BreakingNews will have you pretty much covered). I like my news instant like my gratification. 2. On Twitter you can interface with celebrities. Perez Hilton (@PerezHilton) once tweeted me and I peed my pants a little. Justin Bieber (@JustinBieber) still won’t follow me, but I haven’t given up hope. Party rock god Andrew W-K (@AndrewWK) does follow me for reasons unbeknownst to me, but that’s cool- I’ll take it. 3. Twitter is a great source for detective work and/or stalking. Search #BieberAlert for up to the minute Bieber sightings. Unclear if what you felt was an earthquake or your neighbors banging shit on the walls? Search earthquake in your location. Want to know if that movie is still being filmed at Alamo Square park before you run up the hill? Search the actors names and you’ll probably find out (I did). Let’s be real- aside from pictures you use Facebook to share/comment on links or post a status update. Welcome to Twitter, folks.
This is my godson, Chance Yehuda Critchlow. He lives in Portland with his best friend, Mary Elizabeth. Since Chance is culturally Jewish, I gave him the Hebrew name Yehuda. He loves matzo ball soup and corned beef sandwiches, which is based on his best friend’s Brooklyn heritage. When ML adopted Chance, I sent him a present of a sock monkey dog toy. When ML opened the package, Chance ran over to her and grabbed it out of her hand. She stated, “It’s almost like he knew it was for him.” He then proceeded to tear apart the monkey and destroy him. My dad told me I should return the monkey because it was for dogs and it should not break. I still love Chance even though he is sort of bad. Recently, I have been told he’s been very much enjoying the warm Portland summer. He has taken to scratching himself on the blinds to awake ML so she will let him play outside. He takes after me–very demanding.
When first Dogs of Oberlin column came out on Thursday, Cleveland resident and my longtime friend Marty wrote on Facebook, “WHY WASN’T MY DOODLE FEATURED FIRST????” I felt very bad to have hurt Marty and his dog’s feelings and immediately responded that I would love to feature his dog Oliver. Marty then emailed me and wrote, “I am a classic gay man obsessed with my dog. And now you have proof. Here are way more pictures of my goldendoodle than you will ever need in your entire life. Please use your discretion and use as many or as few as you’d like.” Of course I used them all. Oliver is a beautiful dog and there can never be enough photos of him as Little Red Riding Hood or with his tall, dark, and handsome owners.
I have never met Oliver, but I often see him on in photos. Oliver lives with his two owners, Marty and Josh, in Cleveland. He does many of the things that Josh and Marty do: carry sticks in water, eat ice cream, wear glasses, and play in the park. Marty and Josh are some of the funniest people I have ever met. Josh is from Florida and Marty is from Ohio, which makes them both humble and hilarious. Like Trixie, Oliver also recently celebrated a birthday. He turned 6 years young! Oliver, Marty, and Josh are a fun trio and make Cleveland and Oberlin look very glamorous. In the words of Marty, “How could LeBron have left all this?” I think Cleveland has a new king: King Oliver.
Welcome to a new series called “The Dogs of Oberlin.” Here we will feature beautiful and charismatic Oberlin dogs.
Our series commences with Trixie and Buffy. Both “girls” are the beloved companions of a professor and his wife. While I was in Oberlin, I saw many photos of Trixie and Buffy. I was taken by their fluffy hair and their smiling faces. When I contacted my professor for photos and information about the girls, he told me that Tuesday was Trixie’s 14th birthday, which is 98 in people years! Trixie is the white poodle. Buffy is much younger and turned three-years-old on May 29, 2011. According to the professor, “During the birthday celebration, Trixie demolished her Denta-Bone [a treat] in record time and then was lurking around Buffy, hoping to purloin hers, as Buffy is a much slower eater than Trixie. But my wife managed to shoo Trixie away from Buffy until Buffy could finish her bone.”
Below are some lovely photos of the dogs, both of whom are Cavaliers fans and were very excited to see their former player lose in the finals. Buffy and Trixie are wearing festive holiday scarves in the photo together. I think they are Easter-themed scarves, but their owner wasn’t quite sure. Please comment and send your regards to the girls, and I am sure they will be told what you say!
Later in the series we will feature Chance Yehuda Critchlow (an alum’s dog and my godson) and Coco (another professor’s smaller poodle.)
Self Promotion had a very full weekend. Thank you to Editor at Large, Jonathan Simrin, for coming into the city on 2 consecutive nights. This is a huge feat for a Simrin. Mazel tov. The evening was lovely other than not being able to get a skateboard and not being able to run the bases thanks to glorious See’s Candy. (Joe Kimmel: they are GODS here.) Kids really do have all the fun. ***(Also, a big shout out to Pete of Delicate Adventures who graduated today! He is a great fan of the blog, often recalling posts that I had forgotten existed. You are so very loved by the blog community and editors.)
Tonight, the editors found some room in our quarterly budget to attend the Giants game against the Cincinnati Reds (BOO!). It was a wonderful game all around and we learned some very important lessons:
- children who dance like no one is watching are often the cutest
- children who sit in front of you and constantly give you the stank eye are not the cutest and should not have weird names
-Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods are the best source for baseball snacking (Kale chips! Cashews! VEGAN)
-sailors can go to baseball games too
-Cody Ross is a G.
-Julia and I do not look under 14. I guess I can finally retire from the bar mitzvah party circuit.
-birds can poop on your hair and this is VERY upsetting to Julia. (ed. note: neither of us got pooped on, but our friends who we were sitting with came awfully close)
-AT&T Park is just the best on a nice day. The beauty of Mt. Davis leaves something to be desired.
-Small size of the city and the weather: the two things Giants players really like about SF (ed. note: Noe Valley did receive a mention. Stay tuned for details on a possible editorial retreat to camp out in either Noe Valley or the Mission to see Giants players.)
All and all the game was a wonderful success. Special thanks to Julia’s family for hooking it up! Oh right, the Giants won and there was at least one RBI. And that’s your play-by-play from your trusted blog source. I know you all come here first for the last word in sports commentary. Jon Miller has nothing on us. (Ed. note: if Jon Miller is reading this, please take no offense. We think you’re wonderful and maybe we could get lunch!)
Posted by julixdoc 
