Diziness and Insanity

I have been feeling somewhat sick and dizzy and noot well in the head like all day long.  I think this might be a sign of craziness.  I don’t really know.  I wish some of my friends would take up more productive careers like MEDICINE.  I would like to have people to call when I need something.  I have a new doctor.  She is a lesbian but I don’t really consider her a friend because I don’t have her cell phone number and I don’t really think she’d appreciate hearing from me.

Bunny is going to be on Martha Stewart.  I am jealous.  HE IS SO LUCKY!!!  I wish I were a gay man so Martha would invite me onto her show.  I don’t have any gay man qualifications, do I?  Being friend with gay men doesn’t count.  I am kind of a diva, though.  He is going onto the show for a pie competition based on the Pie in the Park thing that his friend Lauren did in Prospect Park.  She is not a gay man.  HAH.

Professions I would like my friends to have so that I can benefit from them:

-doctor (to call them if I have medical concerns)

-rich lawyer (so they can take me out to dinner)

-Alyssa’s job (free tickets and shows)

-dog walker (to play with dogs)

-Hollywood producer (to meet celebrities)

-Late Show host (to be on their show)

-editor (to get my work published)

If you are not working on becoming on of these professions, consider yourself through.  SERIOUSLY!

My sister is being a Kardashian for Halloween.  She is being Khole.  She is an idiot.  I am going to be someone from Mad Men but I don’t have a costume yet.  I DON’T KNOW WHO TO BE!

I had a dream that I was on Mad Men.  I was making out with the gay character.  Yeah, I’m serious.

I would like to give some recognition to people that have supported my blog for a long time:

1. Mica D (she does not like me to use her full name on the blog), knower of all things justice

2. Anna Elsohn/Levin, compulsive internet user/law student

3. Rachael Steimnitz, partner in hating

4. Molly Austin, Vegan dog

5. Bunny Alexander, food correspondent

6. Gillian Mohney, fashion consultant for the blog

7. Janie Doctoroff, Red Sox Society Queen

8. John B. Shaw, rock/water specialist

9. parents, contributors of all things amusing

10. Mary Elizabeth, pop culture editor

11. Gina Landon, Real Chance at Blog

Thank you to all of you for reading and appreciating my work for many years.  I appreciate your loyalty, and I hope that you will continue to read for many years to come.

 

 

 

BEST POLL EVER! VOTE!

My new boyfriend and my new glasses!

So I got some fake glasses at Urban Outfitters.  I promise I haven’t gone totally insane–they look really good on me.  I look a lot smarter.  I feel significantly smarter, too, especially when I’m reading.  Today I was wearing them around Laurel Village and two people–Kari and Courtney (my Barbie friends)–didn’t recognize me at all.  I look THAT much better.  Some people that wear glasses for real think that I’m making fun of their disability, but I’m not, I just wish I could wear glasses for real.  Some people have said that my new glasses make me look like a hipster.  That is okay.  I have also been saying that I’m going to be a hipster for Halloween, and many people have said that, that isn’t a good costume for me because I am one already.  I have decided I am going to have to be REALLY hipster if I do, do that costume.  Fuck my friends for calling me a hipster.  If I were a hipster, I’d be doing coke and listening to any music besides music at the bakery.  If I were a hipster, I would be in a band and be thinner and less smart.  If I were a hipster I would not have had so many Jewish boyfriends, or maybe that makes me more of a hipster, it’s really hard to tell.  But seriously, fuck Jewish boys, even though I hung out with two of them tonight that are very nice, I am tired of them as a whole.  Does anyone agree with me on this?  I CAN say this, you know, because I’m Jewish.

My new boyfriend works at Cal Mart and he has ugly tattoos on his left arm.  One is of something Irish looking and one is of a flower.  They are big and colorful.  Courtney and I were buying expensive deli items in the middle of the day there today and he was checking us out.  We were in the express line and he started checking us out very slowly and saying that he’d overheard we were having a Halloween party and that he had no plans.  Courtney thinks I should have invited him to the party.  He was slightly cute and definitely not gay, but the tattoos really threw me.  I also didn’t realize that he was hitting on us.  I might go by there again.  Maybe people do that at the bakery.  They just haven’t come back yet.

Yes,  Molly Austin, the poll was inspired by you saying that my life is like Will & Grace.  I do not think my life is a gay-based sitcom.  But I don’t think I am Grace at all.  I don’t even have that many gay friends.  Not really.  Only like 3 or 4, or maybe 5.

Today I went into the post office to mail a package and the man there was like, “Your dad comes in here a lot.  He’s a real regular.”  I wanted to be like, yes, he does, but this isn’t like a bar.  What if there were a show like Cheers but a post office based version?  I think someone needs to make a pilot of that.  I get to be Sam Mallone.

Also, I think voting is a huge issue for this blog.  Not enough people are voting on my polls. I check them very often and I don’t think enough people take them seriously.  I really care about your opinions about the issues I have raised–very serious questions require your input.  OK?  Please participate in the blog politics.

 

 

Poll—pls voteix!

In other news, I have created lists of best and worst TV shows.

BEST

Gossip Girl, SVU, any Law and Order with Jerry Orbach (!), To Catch a Predator, old ER with Doug and Susan, 90210, My So-Called Life, older The Office, Mad Men, 30 Rock

WORST

NCIS (my mom loves this and it makes me respect her less), A Real Chance at Love and really anything Gina Landon enjoys watching for that matter, Scrubs, Grey’s Anatomy, All About Your Mother (this might be a surprise to Bunny, but I really never liked it, that’s why I would leave early from Sarah’s house), any sports–esp baseball and football

REALLY WEIRD THING:

Today a man came into the bakery and he was wearing a shirt with a significant amount of Hebrew on it and then proceed to say “I’d like one of those apricot things,” meaning apricot hamentashen.  If you are going to wear that shirt, at least be credible, man.

I have a new idea–to write a memoir, even though I am young and unaccomplished, I have led quite an angsty life.

This is cute–it’s a friend’s friend’s little sister’s blog!

CHECK IT OUT!

Bakery and the Gym

People were insane today on 24th St.

While at the gym, I started thinking of a list of things I don’t like about other people.  Here are some:

-Jewish tattoos

-Tattoos of Chinese characters on not-Chinese people

-abrasive personalties

-beards

I can’t think of anymore right now–weird, right?

A man was doing yoga at the gym and took off his shoes and socks and was walking all over the stretching mat.  I was so angry that I talked to the people who work there.  I think they hate me now.  Courtney and I talked really loudly about how gross the man was and this really amused me.  I hate the gross man.  This is a conclusion I JUST came to: men at the gym are gross (besides my old man friend Harvey who I want to marry) and women at the gym are bitches.  Maybe this is just how men and women are.  Sadness.

Something weird my dad ate yesterday: rye bread with lox and cream cheese–and RICE on top!!  WEIRD!  When I asked him why he was eating that he said, “because it [the rice] was there.”

Today there was a man ordering coffee and I said “Would you like room for cream?” and he said no and then I said “You’re the first person that’s said that today.”  And then HE said, “I like my coffee like I like my . . .” And he didn’t finish it.  And then he seemed embarrassed.  If I was ML, I would probably want to marry this man.  He had a beard, though.  TOO BAD.

Tomorrow I have to be at work at 7 AM.  SO earlix!  I hate mornings.

A recent conversation with my parents

mom: What does looking good mean?  (in ref to her crossword puzzle)

Julia: Being a whore.

dad: Other people besides whores look good.  Mommy isn’t a whore and she looks good.

Julia: [leaves to get the solid gold onto her blog]

Inglorious Basterds and MUNI Copz

My mom and I went to see Inglorious Basterds today and on the way into the theater we saw Eddie, my MUNI cop friend, and he was busting someone for not paying on the bus.  I didn’t know they got on the bus.  He was with the same officers as the other day.  The guy who didn’t pay didn’t speak English and Eddie was speaking to him in Spanish and I didn’t know Eddie even spoke Spanish fluently.  Ridiculous.  He said hello to my mom as Mrs. Doctoroff, which she isn’t, but for once she didn’t correct someone, and it surprised me.  Eddie said he wants to see the new Michael Moore movie.  Maybe I will run into him every weekend.

I liked Inglorious Basterds.  I liked that Ryan was in it, and Brad Pitt.  I love him.  He is the best in Legends of the Fall. That is one of the best movies I have EVER seen.  I don’t know why it isn’t talked about more often.  I think now more Jews will like Brad Pitt, but they probably already liked him because he is attractive and great and doesn’t have any annoying Jewish qualities.

Poll–Pls Vote

Premonition

Tonight I went out to dinner with my parents on Valencia St.  We drove there, and just as we were about to park right in front of the restaurant, this woman on the other side of the street (the wrong side), thought she was getting the spot.  My mom got the spot, but the woman seemed really pissed off, and I had this vision of her keying our car while we were eating.  I thought she might write “cunt” in big letters.  She didn’t.  Thank god.