Pie Birds

Do you know what these are?  I do.

I bought some today at the flea market on the UWS.  I totally didn’t even know that flea market existed and my cousin Jenna laughed at me and said I should have known about it because I am a hipster. Then my cousin Dan asked me if I was a hipster, and I told him that hipsters don’t identify as hipsters, but that some might say I dressed like a hipster, but that I could never be a hipster because I didn’t do drugs or like music enough.

I bargained for my pie birds.  I am too much a loser to be a good bargainer.  I was really nervous when I bargained but I moved the price from 10 to 5.  What a great Jew!  If anyone ever actually called me a great Jew, I might ralph.  Ick.

OMG Dogs

I haven’t been blogging much recently because NY has been boring as fuck.  It is not totally warm yet.  It is still ugly and dirty.

Yesterday Mary Elizabeth and I went to a park and watched high school girls play tennis.  It was okay for us to do this, I think, because we are young women ourselves.  What was not okay was the man on the bench next to us watching them.  He was a creep.  We talked loudly about pedophiles, hoping he would leave.  I hate men–they are repulsive shitbags.

Seriously Upsetting Things Have Occurred

1. No one told me about the elephant parade for the 2nd year in a row–SERIOUSLY…don’t you know this is like my DREAM???!

2. I’ve been having recurring dreams that I meet Andy Samberg.  In these dreams, Andy and I kiss and I tell him all of my fabulous comedy ideas.  Waking up from these dreams only to realize I only know ugly and not funny Jewish guys (excluding the lovely Ezra and Bunny), AGHHHH. WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

3. Having a perpetual headache for 4 days after I drank too much at Allie and Ben’s house.  Allie concluded that meant I had a good time.  AGH.  Wes concluded I was dehydrated and told me to drink 5 liters of water.  I drank Gatorade (my love) and water (my husband.)

4. Coming back from Florida and having it NOT BE WARM.  Also, having my face be all dry.

What you can do to help:

-increase global warming

-buy me Gatorade

-set me up with Andy Samberg even though he is apparently dating Joanna Newsom.  Seriously, though, she’s kind of whiney and I met her and she said didn’t get into Oberlin.  Oberlin isn’t even that competitive.  Blair Waldorf thinks of it as a safety school, so suck it Samberg–you are really slumming it.

Florida Update

Florida is a very FAST PACED place.  I was so overwhelmed today I almost threw up from nervousness.  

No, not really. My day consisted of swimming laps in a tiny pool, taking a nap, sunbathing, and eating salad.  MMMMM.  It is nice here, sort of.  It’s kind of like a breast enhancement–it’s pretty, but can you really love it?

My sister got sunburned.  HAHHAHAH.  I didn’t.  

I tried to open a coconut by slamming it on the thing you tie boats to.  It did not work.  The maintenance guy from the building came over and told me I was doing a bad job, but then got me a new coconut and opened it for me and Mica. He was nice.  He told us about a big party at the diplomat hotel. He said thousands of people will be there.  I don’t think we’re going, but I’ll update you if we do.

Gillian Mohney is a genius

Today Gillian introduced me to something incredible–RuPaul’s Drag Race.  There is honestly no better show.  I really don’t know what to say about it other than that it changed my life.  I went into Gillian’s house full of stir fry made by Julia Schwarz and came out totally inspired about the drag community.  The ladies on the show are much better at being women than I am.  I think that’s okay.  Gillian said that’s because they have to try a lot harder.  RuPaul is sort of my hero now.  If you haven’t seen this show, you are MISSING OUT.  It is on Logo.  I LOVE IT!  It is the gayest thing I have EVER seen.  It went from being something Alex talked about to reality.

In other news, Julia’s dog has a better life than I do. Ted goes to dog day care everyday.  There he plays with his friends and eats.  Today when I saw him he was eating dog ice cream.  And apparently, it’s not a special treat, he has it everyday.  I AM SO JEALOUS OF TED!!

In other news, I am leaving New York in less than a month.

Good bye, rats.

Good bye, cats.

Good bye, raisin on the tracks.

Good bye, Subway.

Good bye, cold mondays.

Good bye, Joya.

Good bye, mice.

Good bye, take out containers full of rice.

Good bye, bars on 4th avenue.

Good bye, sinus infections and the flu.

Good bye, Gilbix.

Good bye, snow.

Good bye, pizzq.

Good bye, all you hos.

Good bye, snobby food co-ops.

Good bye, parks.

Good bye, walking in the dark.

Good bye, Boerum Hill.

Good bye, Melt.

Good bye, all the things I’ve smelt.

I am a literary genius.

Librarians are the new hipsters.  I can see that, Dan.  There is one at my library, in fact.  She is very unhelpful and bad at her job–EXACTLY what you might expect from a hipster.  She is too busy checking her email and looking trendy to be a good librarian. We really must write to the masters programs and tell them to discriminate against hipsters.  They are bad news.

If you are tired of not meeting men…

start wearing low cut shirts.

Proven to work!  Also wear necklaces with your name on them.  Even though it says your name, they read it and think your name is Caitlin.  Boys are so smart!

Top  hated professions:

1. doctors–just want your money

2. dentists–just want your money

3. corporate lawyers–same

4. dog breeders–there are enough dogs

5. Princeton students

6. landlords–esp mine–she is SO FUCKING INANE

Best professions:

1. carpenters

2. exterminators–this is so good–i want them to exterminate the planet

3. teachers

4. librarians

5. bears

Exotic Cuisine

Yesterday I decided to make assembly tacos for lunch.  I went to Pathmark and the people there were SERIOUSLY incompetant.

Julia: Where can I find tortillas?

Pathmark Woman: They’re in the chips aisle.

Julia: Oh, not tortilla chips.  Tortillas.

Pathmark Woman (now sounding hostile): I don’t know what that is.  (to another Pathmark Woman:) Do you know what that is?

Other Pathmark Woman: No

Julia: Tortillas?

Pathmark Woman: What is that? Is that a bread?

Julia: Yes, sort of.

Pathmark Woman: Go look in the breads.

It was not in the breads.  I hate Pathmark.

This is John Shaw, This is John Shaw on Drugs

John Shaw LOVES my BLOG!!

Send in your pictures of you enjoying my blog.  SEND THEM!!  I will post them.  Send them to my email.  Send them to my electronic MAIL!

GOOD MEALS–dedicated to Diozzix, Jane, and Bunny

The recession is good for one thing only–home cooking.  I don’t know if that is two words or not.  You choose.

Bunny cooked a fabulous brunch last Saturday:

-buckwheat pancakes with chocolate chips and banana pecan sugar topping

-dill eggs

-spicy hashbrowns

MMMMMM…it was a great meal in a lovely new apt—Bunny’s best NY apt yet.

Last night Jane and her roommate Diozzix made an excellent late dinner–served at 10:45 PM:

-pork tenderloin stuffed with vegetables and bread crumbs

-garlic mashed potatoes

-iceberg lettuce with bacon and bleu cheese

-sauteed apples and onions

-peach cobbler

A lovely meal rife with Bostonians and Dancing with the Stars.  While on the subject of Dancing with the Stars, it is EXTREMELY star-studded and SHOULD NOT be missed.

LOST in the MET

Today I went to the Met alone and it was SCARY.  I totally thought I was lost and was too afraid to ask the guards how to get out of the museum.

People who are good artists:

1. Monet

2. Manet

3. Julet (this is me)

4. van Gogh—he is SO LEGIT…I was walking around near his art and in my head I was like “TIGHT!!!”  His flower paintings are THE SHIT.

5. anyone who paints pictures of frail children—very hipster

6. John Singer Sargent

People who suck:

1. Picasso

2. people who paint kings and queens—lameix

3. Warhol–I AM SO SICK OF HIM I AM GOING TO THROW UP