Things you might not know about me

1. I am always congested.

2. I have eczema.

3. I am allergic to sulfa drugs and guinea pigs.

4. I am allergic to dust.

5. I just learned how to embroider.

6. I hate Facebook.  It is for losers.

7. I am 24 and 1/3.

8. I look like I am 17.

9. I hang out with a bunny on a regular basis.

ANNOYING MEN AT THE PARK SLOPE FOOD CO-OP

Today there was a seemingly attractive man cashiering next to me at the co-op.  He sat down next to me and after our transactions became less frequent, I introduced myself.  He was wearing a suit and looked Jewish.  His name was Dan.  Then he proceeded to eat sushi and noodles and talk on his cell phone.  He did not work at all.  HOW LAME is he??  Then he mentioned his wife to someone.  ICK.  Married men.  ICK.

ML’s sister Katharine cooked very good dinner: chicken apple sausage, argula salad with pear champagne dressing, red pepper and tomato soup.  YUM.  I like it when people cook me dinner.

Reasons to get married:

-someone to cook you dinner

-getting healthcare without working

-bridal registries—why can’t I do this alone?  I need shit.

-someone to hold your bag when you need to put your hair up

-someone to clean up the house

-more income

LOVE?  hahahahahah

SHORT THEATER REVIEW

I saw Speed the Plow this weekend. I liked it, but I have one main problem—YOU CANNOT SUBSTITUTE JEWISH CHARACTERS FOR GOYS.  It is simple.  If this were math I would say, Jeremy Piven is not equivalent to William H. Macy.  William H. Macy cannot play a character whose last name is Gould.  He is NOT A JEW.  That’s like saying, Gillian, how are your rabbinical classes going?  It doesn’t make sense.  GILLIAN, like Macy, does not make sense in that role.  If Gilbix becomes a rabbi, I might change my mind.

In other news, we stayed after the play to see William H. Macy and Elisabeth Moss.  Apparently she is a scientologist.  SAD TIMES. I watched Grease yesterday and also felt bad about scientologists.  Why are they ruining the creative community??!!  THEY ARE SO UNCOOL.  Then a familiar looking man came out of the theater.  ”OMG it’s David Mamet,” said Voglix.  I took a picture of them.  Voglix loves D Mamet.  But then after we left, I thought about it.  Why did David Mamet look familiar to me?  I have never seen a pic of him.  IT TURNED OUT TO BE FRED ARMISTEN (Armistead?)—the guy who plays Obama on SNL.  He’s cute, but no David Mamet.  THANK GOD Voglix only said she liked his work.  YAY VOGLIX for spotting a cute celeb.

NEWS FLASH: Gillian’s mommy is being promoted to GOD!

Gillian’s mommy, Joan, saw ELLIOT AND OLIVIA RIGHT NEAR HER APT!!!  SHE TOOK A PICTURE OF THEM!!  OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, my inane friends Bunny and Gilbix (aka BUNBO) are making me watch Airplane.  I HATE THIS MOVIE. It is SO HORRIBLE.  I feel like I am being subjected to torture.  I do not know if I can be friends with them anymore.  I know you all love Airplane, but it’s horrible.  OTHER NEWS FLASH: BUNBO is being promoted to NY TIMES FILM CRITIC!  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?????!

Today I walked from Prince St to 9oth st.  I am a machine.

Courtney Cooper is WAY BETTER than Picasso

My dad and I went to the MOMA and we saw lots of Piscasso paintings. I realized that I prefer the art Courtney has made me to his work.  I asked my dad if he agreed and he said he sort of did but that he likes Piscasso.  I would like to be Courtney’s art dealer.  I would rock at this.  “This artist is way better than Picasso.”  I would tell people that.

Tonight Arthur–sort of my imaginary friend–is doing a comedy show tonight. I am going.  Arthur is Babar’s cousin too.  Arthur is Jewish and I don’t think Babar and Arthur were Jewish.  I can’t really imagine an elephant being Jewish.  Can you?  That sounds like a children’s book.

Can you imagine a dog being Jewish?

Can you imagine a stapler being Jewish?

I can!!

Can you imagine Mary Liz being Jewish?

NO!!!

Can you imagine the sky being Jewish?

Can you imagine a fly being Jewish?

YES!

The Wire

I am branching out to other cop shows.  I think this one is a little too complex for me.  I don’t know the characters.  It’s a new relationship and I don’t like it.  The Wire swears too much.  There is no B.D. Wong on it.  WHERE IS CHRIS MELONI?  Where is the simple twisted PLOT????  AGH.  This is too smart!!!

If Chris Meloni and I went on a date, we would probably go to a diner at 3 AM.  He would probably yell at the waitress and embarass me.  He would probably eat red meat and disgust me.  I don’t think it would be super fun.  He would probably talk about all of the things that bother him.  I don’t think he would even ask me about myself.  And by Chris Meloni, I mean Eliot.  I confuse them.

Another reason my dad really believes in me:

Julia: I would like to marry Justin Timberlake.

Doc: You should.

Julia: I don’t think he’d like me.

Doc: Why not?

Indoor tanning

Today there was a lot of sun in my room and I lay in bed and tanned. I got some color. I am awesome.

My dad visited and he tired me out. He likes to do everything. We saw Gomorrah. We ate the best pizza in NY at Di Fara. We saw Guys and Dolls.  I like Guys and Dolls.  It made me feel bad for not being married.

Things I miss about Oberlin:

-running into people I know

-Tooo Chinoise

-the computers in the science library

-hving cheap rent

-biking

-bike path

-the Cat

-living with ML

-stopping by professors’ office

-that dog with the man on the skateboard

-Old B

-the smell of Talcott

-Dascomb food

I killed a mouse and I liked it

I found a dead mouse last night in one of the glue traps that the exterminator left. I push it into a plastic bag and then threw it away. I AM A MOUSE KILLER. I hate mice. They might be gone–sort of.

I thought my landlord was going to have one of her inane friends come as prentend to be an exterminator.  She didn’t.  He was legit.  Maybe I will marry an exterminator.  NO MICE!

Law and Order–TOTALLY NEW SUBJECT FOR ME

I was walking in Central Park this evening and I realized that Law and Order has ruined the following things for me, things I really used to enjoy:

-underpasses

-alleys

-men

-parks–esp central park, esp if I were a jogger, but I am NOT–THANK GOD

I think I want to write a book about living in NY and being a Law and Order addict.  I think I might become famous soon.  I will probably be way to busy to write my blog once I get my book deal.  Sorry, pals.

Valentine’s Day Sock Monkey

I am so tired that I keep thinking I see mice moving on the floor, but there’s really nothing there.

I am making my mom a sock monkey that with heart socks for valentine’s day.  It is very beautiful.

I am going to make St. Patrick’s Day monkeys too.

The Presidental address is on right now, but instead I am choosing to watch Law and Order.  That is loyalty.

Last night there was a crazy woman on the train yelling about the cops and her brother.  I thought she might have a gun, but she didn’t.  I wish crazy people would talk about things other than Jesus and the cops.  There are other things, you know.

Now I am watching Barack.  He looks sharp.  He is original.  He is better than a Law and Order rerun.

Law and Order needs to stop playing the same reruns.  There are hundreds of episodes to choose from.  PLEASE CHOOSE NEW ONES AND ROTATE THEM WELL.  STOP WASTING MY TIME, NETWORKS!!!

I want Barack to wear something cooler than an American flag pin.  I want him to wear something that I made.  Can’t he support local artists?  Why does he have to only support the US???!  I HATEIX HIM!!

Things I would do if I were president:

-wear jeans

-give sock monkeys to White House guests

-support bakeries

-have an all female staff

-let ocelots live on the White House lawn