Practicing Links

This is Arthur’s blog. I don’t really know Arthur, but here it is.

Please get me this for a present.

HORRIBLE MAN AT 826 VALENCIA

I want to puke all over Dave Eggers.

I went into 826 Valencia yesterday and there was this icky man with greasy hair working at the counter and then this sort of touristy woman came in.

Woman: Is this the right 826 Valencia?  Am I at the right one?

Man: Well this is the only store and the only address.  (He’s LAUGHING.)

Woman: Oh, okay, thanks.

I hate you, man who is probably from somewhere totally LAME like Nebraska and feels the need to prove his SF street cred.  Please leave San Francisco, horrible man.  YOU ARE NOT WANTED.

My father the hipster

I don’t know if my dad is aware that he is a total hipster.  He wears old Levis and black and red plaid wool shirts.  He has wire rimmed glasses and a moustache.  Kathleen calls him an Old Generation Hipster.  He really is.  If there were a hipster fantasy, it would be raiding my dad’s closet.  It’s full of old T-shirts that are soft and small from lots of washes.  He has ski clothes from the 70s and the suit he wore to his wedding.  He has lots of worn down coats and sweaters.

He just gave me my own black and red wool shirt.  It’s very huntery.  It was my great Aunt Mollie’s.  She wore it when she and her husband, Uncle Saul, traveled around the US in a RV.  Maybe they inspired him to be a hipster.  They sound a little more legit.

On another note, my website is down.  It expired and I don’t use it.  Let me know what you think about it being down.  If you don’t know what it is, then it’s probably better that it’s down anyways.

On another less important note, I am thinking of moving back to San Francisco.  Let me know you think about NY sucking really hard.  That’s basically all there is to say.  Honestly, I do not even know how I could have lived there for this long.

On one more note, my mom and I just watched a SVu where Elliot gets shot twice right near the heart and then proceeds to run after the animal smugglers the next day.  I am sorry, but ELLIOT, you are NOT superman.  You might be cute and not Jewish like Munch, but you are so not capable of that sort of feat.  I might be, but not you.

ONE MORE THING ABOUT MY DAD:

Theorem: My dad believes in me.

Proof: When I said I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live, he said, “Why don’t you audition?”

QED

Guest Blogger: John Shaw writes in the second person–is it autobiographical? HARD TO TELL!

If you go on an exchange year, here is what will happen:

Your younger brother will also go on an exchange year, except he will out-do you in his choice of destination, and he will choose Turkey instead of Germany (Phillip Lahm can contest this). As your brother is the youngest child of your parents, they will submit to the constant naggings of the exchange programs and take in an exchange student while Thomas is away. Your parents will get a girl from Turkey, because that makes their exchange experience that much more literal than anyone else’s. This Turkish girl will not be used to the cold of a Minnesota winter, so in November, she will take to using an electric heating pad to keep her feet warm at night. Not having grown up with American safety films, she won’t have heard of the dangers of electric blankets and their propensity to always start fires, so she will leave it on the day before Thanksgiving and burn out her room and stink up the entire house. She will feel terrible and we will forgive her as any bleeding hear liberal would, and feel relieved because no especially prized possessions were lost (her computer still worked somehow) and the insurance was very generous in their settlements. One thing that will be lost is a bookcase full of books (Fahrenheit 451 included). So, you will find yourself on a Sunday afternoon at Mager’s and Quinn used bookstore in Uptown (your exchange-happy parents will naturally have a thing for used and old books) with the instruction to pick up anything you fancy because the insurance will pay for it. M&Q is a fantastic bookstore, but you will find that they don’t have either of the books that were actually on your reading list, so you will set off into the shelves with a wild abandon. That’s what will happen.

The books you will get are:

IV by Chuck Klosterman

Introduction to Spanish Grammar

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey

Sometimes a Great Notion also by Kesey, your favorite book and now you have your own copy

Queen:  A picture book

Queen: a reference tome with histories and details like what medleys were played on the Jazz tour.

A History of Travis County and Austin, Texas, 1837-1899

You will feel silly afterward, because your drawn frugal self has never had the opportunity for such a shopping spree. After 24 hours, you will have fallen in love with Chuck Klosterman and admitted that you will probably never reread Sometimes a Great Notion, but you’ll have to live with it and remember it for the rest of your life as the only time you felt so carefree in a store.

If there is no Starbucks at the airport, I will smack someone

that is all

My hero

I really want to insert a link but it isn’t working.  SOMEONE!!  Please comment and help me so that I don’t feel dumb.  Yes, I already tried copying and pasting.

If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear ripped Gap jeans

I am heading off to SF soon.  I don’t leave for like a million hours–more like 4.  AGH.

I just bought a crocheted banana on Etsy.  It is really beautiful.  If you are thinking, that is something pointless, then please consider the love I could have for a new friend. It’s the same thing.  If you think that buying this was a waste of 11.00, then you are so ignorant about art and culture, and I SERIOUSLY pity you hardcore.

Things that I wish someone would make me:

-a crocheted breakfast set

-A sock monkey dressed as a penguin

-a painting of a sock monkey parade

-a painting of my sister dancing around a barbed wire fence

-a painting of Katherine Guerra dressed in a meat dress

-an ocelot stuffed animal

-a painting of my mom on the Great Wall of China

-a painting of Julia Vogl dressed as a sheep

-a painting of Julia Schwarz climbing the pillars at the NYSE

-a painting of Benn dancing with a number 3

-a painting of Benn’s brother with Michael Jordan

DONE!

Harvey Milk and Mice

I don’t think that anyone can ever become a Californian.  Even though my dad wears shorts to work (my kitchen), I don’t think he is a Californian.  People who convert to Judaism can be Jewish, but they will never really understand what it’s like to grow up Jewish.  THAT MAKES SENSE.  I am sure this blog will attract a lot of comments, but I don’t care.  I have to put my ideas out there.  Californians are part of a great race of beautiful relaxed people.   I feel blessed to have grown up in this fine tradition.

I am upset about the mice.  Every time I move, I think it’s a mouse walking around.  I HATE MICE.  THEY ARE THE WORST THING EVER.  If you want some money, come kill my mice.  NOW.

Nechama Tec and Cops

So I took a short class in college taught by a Holocaust survivor named Nechama Tec. She was so legit that I decided to read the rest of her books in a private reading. NOW: the movie Defiance is out with the new James Bond guy. It is based on her nonfiction. SO STRANGE. I can’t say I feel really great about that. Even though Holocaust museums are probably the most well done museums, I don’t think this movie will do her writing justice. FUCK CINEMA. IT IS STEALING FROM EVERYONE.

In response to Ms. Dumain: yes, she is a Jewish woman. But is she THE Jewish woman? No, she isn’t. She is a NY Jew. I have never heard of those before. They are probably extinct. HAHHAH. Emma, you can write a blog. Please draft it and I will post it.

Also in response to Emma–Wes and Dan are both women. I find it super insulting that you would just ASSUME people’s gender identity. Both Wes and Dan identify as Jewish women, and I would really appreciate it if you would show them some respect. The least you could do would be to welcome them to your secret club.

My cousin’s friend is a cop. I realize that I don’t really know very many cops. I asked Matt if he ever shoots people in the leg when they’re running away. He said no. THAT IS NOT TRUE. Elliot and Olivia do that ALL THE TIME. Matt said it is hard to shoot moving targets. Well that is ridiculous. I mean, that would be like me saying, “Oh, it’s hard to type at work, so I’m just not going to do it.” NOTE TO COPS: Please conform to the Law and Order way of doing things. I cannot handle how hypocritical it is otherwise.

Letter from mommy

Hi Mica and Julia,

What if we get a message on December 27 or 29 or 30?  We could go to the Claremont (Julia has some concerns about their labor practices) or the really nice Nob Hill Spa (Julia doesn’t like rich people) or somewhere else?  Let me know your thoughts so I can make reservations.

Love, Mommy