THANK YOU FOR MY NEW PUPPY!

I am reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma.  Right before I sat down to thxgiving dinner, I was reading about obesity.  WHAT A DOWNER!

Our thanksgiving menu:

-turkey (grosssssssssssss….esp the neck and the liver)

-Stovetop stuffing

-Grands rolls

-green beans with chives and persimmon

-candied beets

-chive/corn pancakes

-salad with candied walnuts and pomegranet (don’t know how to spell that)

-roasted sweet potatoes

-gravy that my dad spent forever working on

-pumpkin pie

-lemon meringue pie

Benn didn’t have Thanksgiving. Benn is crying. Give him a hug.

Guest Blogger: Wes John-Alder on the Princeton University Store

I sell sweatshirts that say Princeton to people who went to Princeton.  It is a fun job.  I am better than my job.

People who went to Princeton have a lot of money, and they always spend it on things that say Princeton.  I work retail.  I know firsthand how much money a single person can spend on a Nike Sport-Wick Super Tee for sometimes-running.  It’s $40.

I work retail in the Princeton University store, and I am better than that.  The store sells everything from Princeton keychains to Princeton sports jackets.  It also sells shot glasses.  Today I sold a person $560 of Princeton sweatshirts.  When she came in she was trying to joke with me about Princeton using Princeton inside jokes.  She graduated from Princeton.  She is Princeton.  I didn’t really care, but I didn’t tell her that.  She asked if I was doing work-study.  I told her I wasn’t.  An hour later, she was ready for checkout.  I asked her if she is a store member.  She said she wasn’t.  I asked if she wanted a lifetime membership for $25.  Customers get a 10% discount on all purchases if they are members.  She proceeded to tell me that she didn’t want to spend any more money than was necessary.  I ran the total in my head for 10 sweatshirts and a pair of “Go Tigers!” pom-poms.  I double checked the register.  The total was still $560.  I proceeded to take 10% off the total.  That turned out to be $56.  Then I subtracted the price of a membership from $56 and the answer is $31.  I did this all in my head in a matter of seconds.  A lot of people can do this.  It’s called mental math.  I then proceeded to look the woman in the eyes, and I told her: “Miss, you ought to buy the membership.  It will save you money.”  She asked how.  I don’t know how I looked or felt at that point in my life.  I don’t think dismayed is accurate.  I also don’t think I was actively feeling better than her.  I think kind-of-annoyed was how I felt.  I try not to dwell on things too long.  I found a sheet of paper and did the math for her.  Then I simulated a membership on the cash register itself.  She finally believed me and saved $31.  I felt better than her for a little while.

Then I got a speeding ticket.

Wes

Guest Writer: Daniel Keeney on BELIZE

Julia, Katie, Lauren

Guide of Relevancies in The Country Formerly Known as British Honduras, aka Belize

San Pedro town—looks like a good classic Caribbean style resort town. It’s on Ambergris Caye, the island rumored to be the inspiration for Madonna’s La Isla Bonita. She says some shit about San Pedro in that song. Lots of scuba diving and might be kind of a bitch to get to, so perhaps not for the economically constipated. But shit, man, Madonna…

 

Orange Walk District and Orange Walk Town. Sounds pretty sweet. It’s the NW part of the country (75 minute car ride from Belize City) and is named after an old orange plantation (walk is slang for plantation; I’m getting a weird Australia vibe from Belize. May be another of the bizarre alter-ego countries birthed by the British empire. Keep an eye out for weirdos.) Anyway, Lamanai seems like a good contender for one Mayan ruin worth checking out. You get to it by taking a boat ride down the New River, which is all crazy jungle, and it’s right on the edge of the New River Lagoon, which is this long narrow body of water in the center of the country. Orange Walk District is fucking chock full of flor and fauna and strange demographics: German Mennonites, East Indians (Indonesians), and mayan mestizos who peaced out of Mexico during the Caste Wars in the 1840s.

 

Anyway, any ruins would be worth seeing because fanny packs are HILARIOUS.

 

The Belize Botanic Gardens actually look pretty sweet. 45 acres, and the promotion of them on the website is really corny, so you know it must be good. http://www.belizebotanic.org/about_us.html

 

John Dingell, the congressman from Michigan’s 15^th congressional district and the longest-serving member of congress, selected as his favorite food Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise sandwiches. This makes drinking someone else’s vomited blood sound darnright tasty. [I realize this has nothing to do with Belize]

 

Dangriga is a town of 10,000, the largest in southern Belize, and apparently a good spot from which to check out the Cayes (same as keys, as in Florida Keys), which are lagoons, and land masses with shitloads of coral and other tropical junk. Might be cheaper than La Isla Bonita, since it’s on the mainland, and doesn’t require some bullshit ride to get to. Gotta watch out for places with cheap plane tickets; it means they’re trying hard to rip you off when you get there.

 

Belize has toucans, which means fruit loops. Keep an eye out for this shit. The boat ride to Lamanai, the Mayan ruins, should have a fuckload of birds. The toucan, along with the tapir (another bird), the black orchid, and the mahogany tree, is a national symbol.

 

Eat some food while you’re in Belize. They have all kinds of shit. Southern Mexican style tacos, and rellenos, but also seafood, fried chicken, meat pies, etc.. It’s sort of in between Jamaican and Mexican food, but with more seafood than you imagine either of those to have. And bitchin’ spices that you can’t get elsewhere.

 

Nitin

On my way to Atlanta, I met a friend on the airplane. His name was Nitin.  When I sat next to him, he handed me some magzines–Time and Men’s Health.  When I handed back Men’s Health, he apologized for handing it to me.  Then he asked me to tell him if his music was too loud.  We proceeded to talk to one another for the whole flight.  I am pretty sure that he was in love with me.  But maybe not.  I am not used to men being nice. 

During the course of the flight Nitin did the following nice things:

1. He offered to give me a huge TV that he said he would drive to my apt from NJ in his Rav 4.

2. He told me he liked my world view.

3. He told me he was proud of me for getting a new job and for having a job that helps people.

4. He offered to drive me to my sister’s house from the airport.

5. He offered me half of his sandwich.

6. He gave me a napkin when I spilled yogurt drink on my hands.

Mica made fun of me because I talked about Nitin. Her friend Jay was stupid and couldn’t pronounce Nitin’s name, so Mica said, “It’s like mitten with a N.”  Jay is an idiot.

Nitin just called and proposed to me. The wedding will be on Christmas day in Bombay because Nitin’s parents hate planes.  I hope to see you there!

Live Blogging from Mica’s office–NEWS FLASH: JULIA IS A DOG PHOTOGRAPHER

If you are want portraits of your dog, I am your woman.  FOR SERIOUS!  I have photographed 3 dogs in the past day.  I am very experienced.  Dogs respond REALLY WELL to my energy.

Patrizz’s dog kept smelling me.  ALL OVER.  AGGGGGGGGHHH!

Other news flashes:

1. I have a new phone.  Please text me because it has a keyboard!  WOW!  I am so incredibly hi-tech.

2. I am in ATL.  I am playing with the playas.

3.  I am unemployed for the next week, so if you would like to donate money to my cause, please send checks, cash and money orders to my house.

4. I have a new wardrobe.  I think I am going to start being a clothes whore again.  I know, who knew that was coming?  Well it is here.  Be ready to support me when I’ve spent all my money at the Gap.

5.  Mica’s friend Jay’s dogs are very obedient.  I think they are the nicest dogs I have ever met.  They are also in love with me.  I am going to put them in my suitcase and take them to NY.

6.  Mica was talking on the phone with a client and she sounded like a southerner.  IT WAS CRAZIX.  I don’t get her.  I think the only reason Mica lives here and does what she does is that she likes the movies Fried Green Tomatoes and Dead Man Walking.  Truth?  YES.

Korean Food Smell

My office smells like Korean food.  I like Korean food, but not ALL DAY LONG.  I cannot handle it.  THANK GOD it’s my last hour at this job.

I am going to visit my sister today. She thinks I am really funny.  I think that’s because her job is really intense and she thinks everything is funny.  I think she would probably think it was funny if I slept in the airport tonight and turned off my phone. hAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I have to return my computer, so I’m thinking I have to get a new laptop because my old G4 sucks.  I just asked Weslix if he had an extra one and he didn’t seem to understand my train of though.  I hate the thought of buying a new computer when my old one works, it is just a DINOSAUR.

Things I hate:

-slowness

-bad smells

-mice

-dressing up

-dog smells

Girl Talk = Deranged Homeless Man

The Girl Talk show was far from stellar. Alex made a good point when he said he would rather listen to a Girl Talk CD in someone’s house and drink cheap liquor and warm cranberry juice. I agree. He was good at Oberlin because there were less stupid teenage girls on stage trying to hump him. STUPID GIRL TALK. He needs a haircut and a shower. He also needs to stop screaming stupid shit like “FUCK YES!” into the mic. That is so dumb. If you are going to scream something, at least be a LITTLE creative.

MOUSE! SHIT!

I just saw a mouse on my floor.  It was SO SCARY!  It was tiny.  It looked like a baby.  I HATE IT.  Thank god I had my computer because I was able to gchat Rachael and make her come to my room.  She came and told me that the mouse was probably gone and went back into the wall.  It’s TRUE.  It’s like Tom and Jerry.  THEY DO LIVE IN THE WALLS.  THEY DO HAVE KITCHEN TABLES AND MINI FOOD.  SHIT!  My life is a cartoon!  Except last time I checked, they didn’t make cartoons about short Jewish women who work for non-profits.  Maybe I’m wrong.

Gross man with a mannequin spotted on the 2

This is true. He was holding her on the platform and this women was asking him where he got it. He seemed really exasperated. Like, seriously, woman, obviously I found her on the sidewalk. He had HORRIBLE sideburns and stubble and a creepy haircut that was sweaty and long AND REPULSIVE. I hate straight men. They breed evil. So evil, in fact, that this man was holding the woman upright. He wouldn’t let her touch the ground, as if she would get hurt. IT WAS BIZARRE. Then he sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME on the 2 and I had to face the mannequin. I felt sorry for the mannequin. She had to go home with this ICKY wannabe hipster man and she didn’t even have a VOICE to tell him, “No, I’d rather be trapped in Macy’s.” Then he turned on his iPod and proceeded to tap a beat on the mannequin’s upper thigh. It was just odd. I found myself making faces, as I do when I am digusted. I can’t help but make faces at things I hate, it’s sort of a problem.

Flea Flea

I got a dog today.  His name is Flea Flea.  I really like him.  He is a black lab.

In other news, I will no longer be working in midtown.

Here is a children’s book I wrote about it.  It’s called Good Night Midtown.

Good night Midtown.

Good night fabric on the ground.

Good night ugliest place in town.

Good night smell of burning meat.

Good night gum underneath my feet.

Good night men on bikes.

Good night place that I dislike.

Good night nowhere to eat.

Good night ugliest street.

Good night Amici 36.

Good night chicks with dicks.

done!