Gossip Girl Debrief

Gossip Girl outdid itself tonight.  I kind of FELL IN LOVE with Chuck tonight.  He was wounded AND gay.  Those are my two favorite qualities in a person, in case you were wondering how to woo me.  If you are a gay man that just got out of a bad relationship, you should probably kick it with me.

Since I saw them filming GG the other night on Ludlow, I have been a lot more attracted to the show.  I think they do that intentionally.  You got me, GG.

My parents have become too cute.

Examples:

-they have one car and they pick each other up everywhere

-they give people tomatoes my dad grew as presents

-walks around the neighborhood involve running into people they know, as if they live in a small village

-they still hang out with their college friends, they are such good people they still like their friends from 40 years ago-LOYALTY

-they get really excited to hear from me, even though I am totally obnoxious and whiney–this is the closer

Mom and dad, you have won!

Time ZONES

Today I was talking to a friend that lives in Texas. I assumed Texas was in PST because Texas is the WEST. It isn’t. It’s central. I realized that I only think in terms of 2 time zones–EST and PST. It kind of makes sense. I don’t know anyone besides people in Chicago who don’t live on a coast. I am kind of coastcentric. I think that’s okay. I don’t need to support states that don’t house my friends. Sorry, Nebraskix.

Problems

As most posts begin, I was on the train.  I got a seat and I was happy until water started dripping on me from the top of the car.  I was angrix.  I got up and I realized there was no way I could tell anyone about the leakage.  I would never be able to identify the car. There are too many D trains.  The MTA is not accountable.  The cars will deteriorate until they no longer exist.  Soon there will be no subway.  When that happens, just know I TOTALLY called it.  You’re going to need a car.  You won’t have anywhere to park.  I will have moved away by then.

LIVE BLOGGING DURING THE DEBATE

McCain is angry about 3 million dollar bear research.  FUCK MCCAIN.  Bears are the new fuel efficient vehicle.

Obama and I hung out today.  We went to Thai Select.  He told me how grateful he was to me for writing all of his funny jokes.  He said he wouldn’t be half the man he is without me.  He’s okay, but I’m not sure if I’m going to call him again.  He isn’t nerdy enough.  

Politicians are so lame for not writing their own shit.  They are fake pieces of shit.  FUCK THEM.

Walker and Joe are stealing my music.  They hate women.  That is so wrong.  I think they need to think about how nothing exists without the Julix allure.  Music without Julix is not even music, it’s just sound.

BEST NY PEOPLE EVER!

A few days ago I was on the Q home.  There was this big Black woman with a bike who was trying to get off the train.  Before she got off, another woman pushed past her and got on the train.

The bike woman said, “EAT A DICK!”

The other woman said, “I already eat one, darling.”

Totally amazing.  This is why I heart NY.

Things I hate about Midtown:

-the smell of burning meat

-people standing in the way

-tourists

-the smell of hot dogs

-the smell of filth

-people trying to sell you Fruit Roll Ups—WHY?

-PEOPLE

-dirty side walks

-fabric on the ground

-people whelling fabric all over the sidewalk

I HATE IT. IT’S OVER, MIDTOWN.

INSANITY

Entering data made me feel drunk when I left work. I didn’t have to drink anything tonight at a friend’s party. I was already WASTED on data. I don’t think I am one with numbers and Excel. I think I’m over Excel. I think Excel is something that only the dumb really care about. There are better things out there. Like public parks. And cake. And dogs with hats on. That is LIFE.

I have decided that I would like a dog, but not all of its baggage. Shit, and barf, and food. GROSS. I have no tolerance for grossness. But Mary Elizabeth put it quite nicely when she said, “Julix you are one of the grossest people I know, but you’re also the most grossed out.” She is a genius. Seriously. I am going to get her a genius grant! NOW!

I am really tempted to sign work emails with Julix. It’s inappropriate. Sad. It’s sad that you can’t be yourself at work. What is this thing called professionalism? Who thought of that? I’d prefer to see everyone in the real clothes. And by real clothes I mean jeans and old T-shirts. Whoever invented dressing up for work was a real jerk. I don’t have to do that, but I see the people who are victims of that everyday. Not that many of them. Most people in my part of Midtown look really trashy and go to horrible lunch buffets. Lunch buffets are the WORST thing that was ever invented. Who thought it would be a good idea to just put all types of foods in the same hot bed of steam? HORRIBLE. It’s probably the most foul smelling, nasty tasting idea of the century. I would almost rather live in a house full of vermin. NOT. THAT IS LIKE TOTALLY MY NIGHTMARE. FOR SURE.

I had a dream last night that one of my ex-boyfriends had a younger brother named Remy. It’s really odd. I don’t know a whole lot of Irish men named Remy. I like the name though.

I am naming my child Tuolumne. Girl or boy. I don’t care if it is impossible to pronouce. That will teach the kid to correct people. And that is what life is all about.

The JMZ is BAD! IT’S LIKE SARAH PALIN.

Today I was told by the person in the subway booth that the M was running to Atlantic.  I waited for it for a while and then I got on and it was NOT running to Atlantic. It was going across the Williamsburg Bridge on the stupid normal brown line route.  FUCK THE JMZ.  The only other time I took the M, I got a 60 dollar ticket for jumping the turnstile so Benn could get a free ride.  Fuck!  AGGGH.  I think the JMZ goes to hell.  It doesn’t go to QUEENS.  Maybe Queens is just another name for hell.  That’s not true. I’ve done some fun things in Queens.  Right?  Like a couple times…maybe.  Or it could be hell.  It’s really big. Maybe the outer parts are hell.

OMG!!!!!!  I just looked up images for “hell and queens” and there is a bridge called Hell GATE that goes to Queens.  I am so fucking genius.

Blueberries Down My Shirt

Today while waiting for the N, I dropped some blueberries down my shirt. It was okay. I ate them anyway, but I was worried that people would think I was crazy/gross. I guess that’s kind of unavoidable in NY.

Trader Joe’s was making people wait in line OUTSIDE THE STORE. It was total crap. Everyone was pissed. EVERYONE. Mica thinks that maybe it’s restricted now. I hate Trader Joe’s because they hate Jews.

I realized today that I have GREAT HANDWRITING. I need to use it more. I am a handwriting genius. I should teach 2nd grade. For real.

RIP Vine

Sorry for the LONG hiatus.

There was a beautiful vine that was growing on our house.  Today someone cut it down.  It was horrible.  Like really horrible.  I looked forward to greeting the vine when I got home from work.  The vine would say to me everyday, “Your house is cute.  It’s okay that you thought that you had bed bugs for a week. It’s okay that you had to set up mouse traps.  It’s okay that you find mouse shit all over the cans you bought at the grocery store. It’s okay that you had a dream that a rat attacked you and that you woke up screaming.  It’s okay Julix, because I exist.  Your house is cute. “  Now I don’t have anything to welcome me.  I have the vacant lot next to my apt.  I have the lone pink hair thing that sits on my stoop.  FUCK.

I went to a new doctor today.  I showed him my leg.  He told me I don’t have bed bugs.  Well that’s okay because now I am a bed bug expert.  He said I have “contact dermatitus.”  I think he made that up.  That’s okay because he said I don’t have bed bugs.  I had to wait in his office for a while before he gave me a prescription so I had ample time to look at his diplomas and determine whether or not he was Jewish.  He went to Emory for undergrad and CUNY for med school, but I was inconclusive about whether or not he was Jewish.  I was pretty convinced because his kids looked pretty geeky, but then  I saw this hat sitting on one of his shelves that had a cross on it.  AGH.  It threw me.  He wasn’t wearing the hat.  On a side note, one of Julia Schwarz’s friends thought I was very religious because of all my Jesus art.  I apparently look hella Jesus.