BKLYN—I’m going to be on Cribs

Hi there. I know I haven’t written in hella long. Let me explain. Rachael and I just moved into a new place in Brooklyn and we have been spending almost all our time talking to the Mtv Cribs people. Here’s how it will go, “Hi, I’m Julia Doctoroff.  Come on in. Look. We have 2 toasters. I know it’s kind of a little insane….”

Then I can show them my cars and my hot tub. It’s all there. SHIT!

I know I normally don’t give shout outs on my blog, but I feel the need to now… Gilbix, Bunny, and Patrizzz were the best movers. We didn’t break ANYTHING and they helped me assemble all my furniture. I feel like I am in paradise. I don’t have to listen to traffic on toolface UES 2nd ave. My room is BIG. I have so much light. We have a living room. It is THE BEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD. When Mtv gets here, they are going to be totally overwhelmed. Here is how the conversation will go with the hipster producer :

Trevor: Julia, I’m not quite sure how we’re going to film this. Your square footage is just so much more than we’re used to.

Julia: You’re going to have to just deal with that, Trevor. I can’t help it that I live in an awesome place.

Trevor: Yeah, I know. Do you think you can wear this? (He hands me a gold bikini top and booty shorts)

Julia: No, I don’t think I can. Is it cool that I wear this oversized T-shirt shirt and dirty cutoff shorts?

Trevor: Oh, totally. That’s really different than what we’re used to. The viewers might really be blown away by that. Yeah, that’d be awesome. You’re so fucking smart.

Julia: Yeah, I know. Maybe after the shoot, I could work for Mtv?

Trevor: I was going to suggest that. You beat me to it!

GUEST ENTRY–It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to

The lovely Julia Vogl wanted to write a guest entry for my blog. She is a 4th of July baby! FIREWORKS AND DC! YAY. Except for the fact that everyone BLOWS HER OFF. FUCK THEM. Here is why Julia hates having her birthday on the 4th of July:

1) Everyone see’s it as an opportunity to go away [to lame places like Long Island and Cape Cod]
2) People get married and have parties, so people can’t come to my party
3) People think that holidays need to be spent with family over friends [bros before hos, right?]
4) People overbook their time, because they think they have more time then they do, and then they don’t get to do what they really want to do like come to my party

JULIA DOCTOROFF’S REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD GO TO VOGL’S PARTY:

1) She is a GREAT DANCER, so much that she often makes you dance when you don’t want to. Sometimes I feel assaulted by her dancing, but like in a nice way.

2) She often provides odd food like pizza, bagels, or candy.

3) She always compliments people–I never come away from talking to her feeling like shit. A lot of people I talk to DO make me feel this way. Right on, Vogl.

4) She talks a lot, so you never feel like you have to talk that much.

5) She’s a lightweight so you won’t have to buy her too many drinks. CHEAP PRESENT!

6) She is a first generation American, so she’s like the IDEAL person to have a 4th of July birthday, and this I think is somewhat hipster and indie. Like, OMG she’s totally first generation. Shit.

7) She lives with ANOTHER JULIA. People named Julia know how to party. And Vogl and Schwarz can hold their liquor a hell of a lot better than I can.

If I were a ferret AND blog has reached 2,000 HITS–WOW

Just some research I did while perusing ferret.com.

I think I am going to get one. I would like my ferret to wear hipster clothes. My ferret will hang out in cool bars. My ferret is going to drink scotch straight up. My ferret is going to cook me four course meals. Actually, I think Benn is a ferret. He is skinny and hairy. Maybe I don’t need a ferret since I have Benn. But I can’t take Benn on a walk and people don’t stop to admire Benn on the street. It’s okay though because Benn doesn’t bite and I don’t have to feed him.

Today I went to an event for the Oberlin class of 2012. They had all the characteristics of Oberlin freshmen–big hopeful eyes, dyed hair, those disgusting marks on their necks from their geeky instruments, the idea that they are REALLY UNIQUE…etc. I was amused. I had to stand on a stage and talk about Oberlin. I didn’t like it that all the older alums were there. They didn’t make Oberlin look cool. I do.

The blog has 2018 hits. PARTY TIME EXCELLENT.

Michael Showalter + Julix = LOVE

I am totally digusting but I appreciate Jono for capturing me in my element…xoxoxo SIMRIX

On my way home…

I stumbled upon this:

It was so coolix. YAY NY.

I got my apartment. So fuck everyone else. SERIOUSLY. I am the WINNER! YAY!

HUNTING! BAM!

I hate people who also look on Craigslist.  I thought Rachael and I were the only ones.  I also wish I made more money.  Doesn’t it matter that I do good work?  I don’t think some pimpled financial guy should get an apartment before me.  I don’t want to lose to the MAN.  FUCK!

The woman who showed us the house seemed like an idiot, which led me to believe she might choose us for the apartment.  I WANT TO LIVE THERE THE MOST!  I wish I could just be a bully in the real estate market. I would like to push everyone over and climb to the top of the jungle gym.  I want to WIN!

I want to decorate a new apartment.  I think I would like to have a farm house.  I would also like to have a horse and to bake pies.  But for now I will live in NY.  It’s about the closest I can get to being on a farm.  Second ave sounds a lot like the country.  I love it.

I kind of hate being young.  I want to be an old man.  Then I would totally get the apartment.  FUCK.  WHY AM I NOT AN OLD MAN?  I will never be that.  FUCK!  I think I would make a great old man.  I am really rude.  I like to eat.  I like to complain.  I like to go on walks.  I like to lie down. Wait!  Maybe I AM an old man.  I think I am.  I learn so much by writing.

HIT ME BLOGIX ONE MORE TIME

I have 1,796 hits on my blog.  Help me reach 2,000!  I’m going to throw a party when this blessed event occurs.  Benn will be here!  I will provide wine, cookies, dancers, cats, bears, frogs, hampsters (NOT!), pizza, more cookies, and algebraic geometry.

YAY.

Way you can help:

Click on my blog.

Tell your friends and family and co-workers about my blog.

Invite people to the party!  (But will this really help?  YOU FIGURE IT OUT!)

Think about dogs.

Think about lolcats, Jesus, your rabbi at your synagogue, your pastor.

Call Mary Liz and tell her you love her.  We all do, admit it.

Write a letter to jbryan@math.ubc.ca.  He is a BIG SUPPORTER of my blog and Benn’s career.

Start calling people from the list I gave you.  YOU KNOW which one.
Thanks so much for your support!  I really appreciate all you are doing for my cause.

Poem—sorry for the bad format–not my fault

FedEx

I think of you while I FedEx boxes

in the mailroom to Terre Haute, Indiana,

the city where you were born.

I decide to slap a FedEx sticker to my stomach

and let the delivery man beep over me.

I wave goodbye to my co-workers

and hop on the back of the truck.

They deliver me to your new

home in the red china urn.

I shrink down to ash size.

Your pieces embrace me.

You still smell like cold cream.

I’m going to buy us a tiny bed

and I’ll quit my job

because we won’t have to pay

rent from underground.

Some People Are Crazy (even crazier than I am)

My friend at work told me today that she thinks her dentist is trying to scam her. I don’t think so. I don’t think you can just make that shit up. He is already hella rich anyway. I don’t think that dentists and doctors are bad. THEY ARE GOOD. They are trying to help you. This is like when people say that the people in prison are going to fuck with my sister. Why would they do that? SHE is trying to help THEM.

Paranoia. HATE IT. Then she said she looked at her medical chart. I would never even THINK to look at my medical chart. I think I have a very high opinion of people in the medical profession. Maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t think I like the idea of knowing what people are writing about me.

Guesses at what they are saying:

“Looks Jewish.”

“Should hit that.”

“Sassy.”

“Best patient ever.”

Julia Vogl’s response: “You have white coat syndrome.”

A conversation:

Julia Schwarz: I have to go to my taxes.

Julia Doctoroff: How do you even do that? My dad does my taxes. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he dies.

Julia Vogl: You know enough nerdy boys.

Julia Schwarz: That is the wrong thing to say.

Julia Doctoroff: Yeah, that is really sexist and I don’t think nerdy boys can do anything.

Julia Vogl: They can fix your computer.