Roebling Tea Room

Yesterday Wes and I spent all day in the Roebling Tea Room. We started with mimosas and beer, and then we moved on to meat/cheese platter, ribeye steak, and lamb shank stew.

Things that occurred:

-We fell in love with every person who works there, esp. the woman that was wearing a green shirt.  I decided she was hot and Wes decided she was beautiful.  Wes later convinced me she was beautiful.

-I hated my lamb shank stew. It tasted rancid and disgusting.  But then Wes tasted it and said that is just what lamb tastes like.  I guess Jews don’t eat a whole lot of lamb.  Wes is NOT JEWISH.

-I thought about how to return my stew and get something else instead.  One of the waiters came over and I said, “I actually didn’t like it.  Can I get mac and cheese instead?”

He said, “Sure, I’m sorry.  Can I ask what you didn’t like about it?”

Me: “I just didn’t like the taste of the meat.  But it’s nothing personal, I’m sure other people would like it.”

Wes laughed about that.  He then proceeded to eat my mac and cheese when I was done.  He felt hella sick after that!

When the waitress came and brought my mac and cheese, I said, “I’m sure it’s a really good dish, I just didn’t like it.”

“Right on,” she said.  Then Wes and I were MORE in love with her.  Wes said he’d whore himself out and sleep with her if I needed him to.

Here is a letter I wrote to UBC housing for Benn:

Dear housing at UBC,

I am writing to inform you that I need to terminate my housing contract due to my father’s illness.  He needs my help taking care of him in Detroit over the summer and I cannot afford to pay my rent and be in Detroit.  Please feel free to contact me if you have questions or concerns.  I’m sorry if this inconvienences you in any way, but this is really unavoidable.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Benjamin S. Purcell

I am kind of worried that Benn’s dad will get sick now. My dad didn’t get sick when I quit the gym in the exact same way.  I am SO CLEVER.

Thank Goodness I’m an Adult = TGIAA

When I lived in Old B I used to take a 4 hour long nap every Friday afternoon after lunch.  I would wake up at 6:20 when people were beginning filter in to eat pizza and drink beer.  I could hear them!  They were so loud.

One Friday I  went to happy hour at the Feve and got so drunk that I agreed to buy some high school boys 40s.  I went into Gibson’s and pulled four 40s out of the fridge.  They were hard to carry.  Old man Gibson said, “You must be thirsty.” I smiled.  I was already shitfaced.  Then I proceeded to go to Shabbat to inhale chicken and kugel.  I was really overwhelmed with homework and the stress of how competititve everyone was.  It was just exhausting. I had to kick back on Fridays.  I wouldn’t have made it otherwise.  Oberlin was so cutthroat!  Definitely the Harvard of the Midwest.  SHIT!

Benn said that my blog is “mordant social commentary.”  I didn’t know what that meant.  Benn likes to use words I don’t know.  He is such an EDUCATOR.  Wow, he should join Teach For America.  He is so understanding.  He said HE didn’t know what it meant. He looked it up and it means “sharp, biting, sarcastic.”  That is true.  I am those things.

Benn is “a big sesquipedalian douche.”  At least that’s what he said.  You can look that up!  That is BENN!

Today there were all these free snacks at my work.  I took about 30 granola bars and put them in my desk. I was so pleased about it.  I don’t even think I can eat that many.  WHO KNOWS?  Maybe I will challenge myself.  Granola CONTEST.  CONTESTANTS: JULIX!

Last night I jumped on some trash in my neighborhood with Gillian and Jen.  It was paper shredder trash. IT ROCKED.  It was the best time I ever had on the UES, but that’s not saying much.

JDate Bitch Spotted on the M102 Bus

Yesterday as I was taking the bus home, a trip that was so slow I almost died, a very disgusting Jewish woman was sitting behind me. You might ask, “Julia, isn’t that an every day occurence in NY?” My response, “Yes, my dear blog readers, but this one, like crimes in the Special Victims Unit, was particularly heinous.”

She was talking really loudly on her cell phone. She was talking to someone about her boyfriend whose name was Marty. Some parts of her conversation:

“Yeah, I’m going to his mom’s 60th birthday thing in a couple weeks and apparently everyone they know is going to be there. I’m going to be like totally bombarded because he’s never brought a girl home before….No, I mean, I guess no one else was worth bringing home. I mean, it’s like me, I haven’t been with someone for 7 years. I guess we aren’t the kind of people that need to be in a relationship to feel okay….Yeah, I sleep over there. The whole clothes thing gets confusing in the morning. Yeah, Chantelle knows him. She has to get used to him….It sounds like you’ve heard some things. Yes, she met him on JDate before me. They wrote back and forth but he never called her….Then he figured it out. He asked me if this was going to be a problem and I said no….Yeah, she’s seen him…..I wouldn’t say she’s made it easy. She has a lot of things to work out. That’s her thing. When she met him for the first time he tried to give her a hug but she gave him a handshake.”

My analysis:

-Why is her sister not allowed to be angry?

-She is a loser if she hasn’t dated someone for 7 years. She looked like she was in her prime.

-He sounds like a jerk and also a loser.

-The sister is right. And her name is Chantelle. And she doesn’t seem like a big fat poser Jewish bitch on the bus talking too loudly about her stupid life.

Best television shows:

-Law and Order SVU

-The Office

-30 Rock

-The State

-Lost, though I haven’t seen that much

-Mr. Rogers

Benn is sick right now. He is very whiney and sad. You should probably call him, or at least write him some nice comments. He’s feeling really sorry for himself. He likes to be read to. Please send cash or checks to:

Julia Doctoroff, Teach For America, 315 w 36th st, ny, ny 10018

These funds will allow Benn to come visit and will save me and his medical specialists endless hours of healing.

Richard M. Doctoroff, Esquire

Things that amuse me about my father:

-He goes by Doc, even though is a lawyer NOT a doctor. Weird!

-He often tells me that food is unhealthy for me to eat.

Example:

Day 1: “Don’t eat too many snap peas, they have a lot of sugar in them.”

Day 2: “Guess what I just ate? Hush puppies, clams, cole slaw. Too much food. It was so good, though.”

-His favorite things to tell me I should do: go skiing, sing (apparently I am REALLY good at singing), go to the baseball game, watch sports on TV, go outside and stop reading (this was in Florida when I was younger and liked to stay inside reading), read articles in the Times about NY food and the neighborhood where I live.

Facts about Doc:

-Born in 1946 in Cambridge, MA

-Had glasses starting at age 4

-Enjoyed boy scouts

-Rode a goat on his street

-Did not pay attention in law school

-Has a wife named Lissa and two daughters–the older one is stupid, the younger one is fucking brilliant

Things that make me throw up

-Ben’s deviled egg mixture at his/Angad’s apt. When he got it on the floor, I mistook that for barf I hadn’t remembered barfing. Nice image.

-Fish soup my dad makes–I used to come home from school and throw up on the floor. Still, he loves to make this soup.

-The smell of other people’s periods.

-John Shaw’s farts.

-Rotten refrigerator smells.

-When there are things stuck in my throat, I also tend to throw up.

-When I have eaten too much dairy.

-Things that taste like soap.

-Spoiled soymilk.

NOW GO EAT DINNER….MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

Steamed Vegetables and other awful things

Today when I was on the train there was this really loud man speaking Spanish. He was being really loud and clapping his hands and talking to his friends. I looked at him because he was kind of alarming. Then I heard him speaking Spanish to his friends and calling me a “gringo.” I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. Well, sort of, I know it’s bad and about white people. Then he proceeded to look at me and speak Spanish. Right before I got off the train he asked me where I got me shoes. I said, “My Keds?” and he said, “Yes.” “TJ Maxx,” I said. When I looked back at him when I’d gotten off the train, he was laughing with his friends. I hate him. He has a big ugly forhead and greasy skin. He will never get anywhere in life by being such an immature dickhead. I wish Benn had been there because he would have thought of some funny lie to tell him. Like that I’d gotten them on the moon. I got them at TJ Maxx in Chico when I was visiting Patrick. I love my Keds. I don’t think that dickhead knows that my 12.99 shoes are bomb. They are a good deal. I’m sorry that I’m Jewish, dickhead man. I’m sorry that my people control the enterntainment industry and everything else worthwhile. Suck ittttttt, dickhead.

Benn sent me a picture of himself when he was in 1st grade. It is probably the best picture ever. I think I looked about the same in my 1st grade picture, except for I am smiling and Benn is not smiling at all. I was probably a much happier child. First off, I lived in a really beautiful cultural mecca, not the suburbs of Detroit. Secondly, I was not a genius, which allowed other children to accept me for being somewhat normal. Third, I was a HUGE collector of erasers and had them featured in a museum exhibit. I was practically being reviewed in the Times. I don’t think people in Detroit even know what the NY Times is.

My sister is in Puerto Rico. My parents are in Florida. I am in NY. It is cold and ugly. I hate NY. Or maybe I just shamrock it. I would like to make I “crusifix” NY sweatshirts.

Today I bought a painting in a coffee shop for 225 dollars. I don’t care. I am milking NY for what it’s worth. It is of two women talking on the phone. That is pretty much my life. The painting I bought is my life. Except the women are wearing nice clothes. I can’t afford nice clothes, only expensive paintings FEATURING people wearing stylish clothes. Yeah, I’m really oppressed. FUCK.

On the subject of hate…

One thing I have ALWAYS hated is when people make up last names.

Examples:

Combining your last name with your spouse when you get married. I HATE THIS IDEA. HATE IT. I can think of nothing worse than having a stupid made-up name. You might argue that I make up words all the time. I DO! But I would NEVER change my last name to any of these names:

Julia Jactoroff

Julia Cedardoc

Julia Docidia

Julia Docman

Julia Zelenkoff (this sounds real–combining two Russian names works for artistic purposes)

Julia Doctorpearce

Julia Doctorbrown

Julia Messindoc

Julia Cundoc (hahahhahahahahahahahahha—-GREAT)

Julia Shoff (AWFUL SOUNDING)

Julia Docell (I like this, but only because it sounds like real word)

Other example:

Giving your children an alternative last name that has no origin. One of my parents’ friends did this. It is so STUPID. NAMES HAVE MEANING. That is why they are names! What if I decided to change my name to Julia Dog? Sure, I would love it, but it would be a TOTAL LIE. I am not about lying to the entire world, unless of course it’s hilarious. But is it hilarious to change history to be a new-age San Francisco hippie? NOOOOO!

Things I am SO OVER:

The Irish

Being alternative

People changing their last names to stupid things because they are so committed to eachother that they can’t stand having different last names. THIS IS SICK. I mean, isn’t having sex with the person enough? Do you really have to go to the extreme of making up a word and putting it on your tax forms? WHAT A HASSLE. STUPID! If I ever become that kind of person, I give you permission to slit my throat. But don’t worry because I am a Doctoroff for life. I am going to be the first Doctoroff woman to not wuss out and change my last name.

New Loves (and hates–where would we be without hate?)

1. Buying used books on Amazon at 2 am. This is the best thing ever. I would lying by saying this is a new love because I have loved it since I first met it. Me and Amazon = love at first sight. Tell me ifyou can think about one bad

2. Frozen potstickers.

3. My “I shamrock NY” sweatshirt. I bought one for Benn too, but his is XL and I asked for L. FUCKHEADS. Why are the Irish always trying to scam me?

4. The fact that my cousin Dan had dinner with Eliot Spitzer the Saturday before he was outed as a crazy. He TALKED TO HIM. OMG. Also, he is my neighbor. We’re like Friends. I’m Joey and Eliot is Chandler. I sometimes borrow eggs from him when I’m baking. He always has such a stocked fridge. I usually just let myself in.

5. Rent in Sunset Park. YAY!

6. Facebook: flair and scrabble.

Hates:

1. The bagel store that I once loved is now awful. It is making me fat and the men there are hitting on me in a creepy way. I used to think of them as brothers, and now they are predators. That’s how it goes in NY. I HATE NY, or I SHAMROCK NY.

2. American Idol always singing fucking BEATLES SONGS. SERIOUSLY?

3. My body aching like I am old. I hate being sick. I did not see a single person for 24 hours. I think that was the longest time with no human contact that I have EVER had. WOW. I am so popular and cool. I am SO not a loser. I could never be a hermit. I am way too cute and funny to be a hermit.

IRISH BEARZ

Today when I was “working from home,” I noticed an American flag hanging from my fire escape. I looked out my window and realized that someone would have had to climb on my fire escape to put it there. Then I looked down and saw an Irish flag hanging from the “balcony” below mine.

I was a little bit weirded out and angry, but then I remembered that it was almost St. Patrick’s day. I went down to the bar and asked them if they had put it there. The first guy I talked to referred me to another man. The second man was an Irishman with a bald head.

“Did you put that American flag up?”

“Yes, do you live there?”

“Yes, it’s right outside my bedroom.”

“I live below you. The Irish one is outside my bedroom.”

“I like the Irish one better.”

“I came over and knocked on Sunday afternoon but no one was home. I wanted to tell you I’d be on your balcony. I didn’t want to scare you.”

“Oh.”

“Do you want me to take it down? I will.”

“No, no, it’s okay. Will you take it down after St. Patrick’s day?”

“Yes, of course, but I can take it down if you don’t like it.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m not angry. Thanks!”

Funny! Those Irish people and their pride and flags. Maybe I will put up an Israeli flag. That might make people love me more.

Michigan

1. The first time I went to Michigan, I was 15. My sister was a freshman in college. She lived in the Residential College at the University of Michigan.

Things I remember about the trip:

-going to my first college party at Mica’s friend Elise’s brother’s house. At one point I got stuck in the kitchen with this odd guy who I was pretty sure was lying to me.

-being cold and running across a quad because I didn’t want to be outside anymore

-thinking swiping into a building was so cool

2. I visted Mica a lot more when she was in college. Most of these trips involved prisoner art or talks about prisoners. Gotta love them!

3. Going to John’s house in the UP without any power and a shower in a garage. It was on an island. That was when I met Topaz!