So good I thought he was gay

I send women poetry because I am smooth and an awesome poet:

Vacation
(for a friend)

I am not feeling well: my head
Is filled with pus.
Throbbing, turgid eustachian tubes do
Not let me sleep.

So I lie in bed, playing
With myself,
Wanting to die.
And thinking of Matt.
I miss him
And his vicodine.

He has perfect breasts,
They nestle just there,
Like two doves, covered softly
By etiolated, hairless skin,
Two cooing snowbirds in sunny California.

I tell him I want to
Suckle his nipples
And he laughs,
Thoughtlessly.
I wish I could get a hard-on,
That would show him.

Reality Bites

I quote this movie a little too often. Is it possible that I am this movie? I think I would be Vickie. Yes, for sure. ML would be Winona, even though I don’t think that is accurate. Whenever I think I have AIDS, she can tell me, “Melrose Place is a really good show.” I wish I still watched 90210 and Melrose Place on my parents’ bed with my sister and her ditzy friend Adele.

I have come to the following conclusions:

-I am smarter than the majority of smart college seniors on all levels

-eating pad thai really does make everything better, unless you eat too much

-Whole Foods apples are stupid–I bought 2 head size apples for 5 dollars

-I am becoming my dad because I am so angry about these apples–don’t worry, he already yelled at me about it
-I am becoming more and more of an office stereotype–today I watered my plant with water from the water cooler–hahahah

- brussell sprouts are genius–GENIUS FOOD

-Walker is proably the most entertaining person I know, and the loveliest

-my sister doesn’t keep up on my blog so I could write mad shit about her

-my dad went to an accountant and he told him he was good at taxes–yay for Doc! This isn’t really a conclusion.

-the people who are on American Idol are so dumb. I should be on it.

-Gina is the smartest person I know. She decided I should make shirts that say, “Chosen by Julix.” CHOICE!

Keep it real, readers. We are almost done with the fight against America. Then we can go to Seattle.

Is this still a good time to talk?

If I have to say that one more time, I can going to cry. But I GET to say it 30 more times. I have to give 30 more interviews. JESUS.

Some ways to be a bad interviewer:
-say “great” to almost everything someone says–it’s really hard to think of something else to say when you are typing someone’s 30 min talk verbatim
-be able to answer NONE of the person’s questions at the end of the interview
-trip up on the interview script so you seem illiterate, not someone trying to fight illiteracy
-get crushes on the people you’re interviewing
-drink lots of coffee even though you said you’d quit, so much that it makes you crazy
-ask follow-up questions about a man who worked in a store as cheese monger when he mentions a premiere cheese store in NY that he’s never been to but he’s heard of
-tell a girl who had a challenge working with a Haitian priest who wanted her chruch to buy him car parts that she should write about her experiences

This is totally hypothetical. You know…

I felt so crazy at the end of today that I went to a store to buy a sandwich and while the man was making my sandwich I saw him looking at a man outside the store and I was CONVINCED they were going to stab me in the back and kill me. THEN a man with a single rose walked in the store. You are so lucky I’m alive and able to write this blog. I was almost killed. JESUS.

I had a dream last night that was so sad. In the dream Mary Liz told me that if I didn’t do Weight Watchers, she wouldn’t be my friend because I definitely wasn’t as pretty as I was when she met me. It’s really hard having such a beautiful girlfriend–that is my dream interpretation.

New favorite NY places:
-Dinosaur BBQ
-Pianos
-Sleepville (this is my bed)

Jesus…

This one’s for you, Walker.

I am too tired to be funny or entertaining. (Wait, is it even possible for me to be boring?)

I think my life has become so much like Office Space that it’s not really even funny anymore. I am having a work conference right now. I have 3 different T-shirts to wear at the conference. I am one of those people that is old and in a bar and wearing a company T-shirt. The funny thing is, I don’t even think it’s lame. I think my T-shirts are cool. I am also becoming so into work that I think people who don’t work where I do are lame. I think they are stupid and less hardcore than I am. This is true.

Today I was on the bus and Bennnnn told this man reading a statistics book that we were mathematicians. NOT TRUE! I will never be a math person. I think Oberlin is bullshit for making me take a test at freshman orientation and letting me do bad on it so that I thought I sucked at math. I got good grades in calculus. FUCK OBERLIN. Oberlin can suck it. For real…

I just went to a GREAT restaurant called Dinosaur BBQ in Harlem. I got pork. Two different people I was with asked me if I was Jewish after that. Yes, I am Jewish. Yes, I eat pork. Would they ask me that if I were Muslim? Probably not. No, they wouldn’t. Fuck that. I wasn’t offended. But seriously? I mean do all WASPs like to sail? Well, probably, but you know…

I am quitting some things:

-coffee

-soda

-excessive amounts of vodka (but not large amounts)

Today I drank a huge soda at Quiznos and I felt so crazy and ill afterward. I think soda is the root of all evil. Childhood obesity, murder, car accidents, the downfall of the milkman.

The most romantic things someone could do for me on Valentine’s Day

1. bake me cookies that I like to bake–mint chocolate chip cookies, Christmas cookies

2. do my laundry–really this would save me a whole lot of time so that I could do other things, like not be in the laundry place across the street

3. write me a really terrible poem so that I feel better about my writing

4. take me to Trader Joe’s and then carry the groceries home

5. tell me that I am like Ellen Page’s character in Juno

6. get me a sappy, poorly written book that you think I’d like so that I can snub it

I can’t think of anything else. That is sad. I think This list makes me realize that I really just need a personal assistant. A boyfriend is probably the last thing that I want/need.

Some more thoughts on the dentist:

They use software that is called Dentrix. AMAZING. Dentists are also a lot more hard core now too. He took digital pictures of the inside of my mouth. It was disgusting, which is probably another reason that no one should come near me.

I’m a queen!

I need a crown on one of my molars.

The dentist was Israeli. He wasn’t even wearing a white coat. He’s my pal. And I’m going to have to see him a lot. I guess it’s good I like him. Otherwise I might cry.

No More Chinese Food for LUNCH!

I realized that I cannot eat Chinese food for lunch today after I ate at the place across from my office. I used to be able to eat it for breakfast, but now I cannot even handle it at lunch. One of my friends at work said that she hates Chinese food, which I thought was racist until I realized it definitely wasn’t. It’s funny how I try so hard not to be so liberal, but it’s impossible to stop. Shit!

Things that I used to like to eat for lunch but that now REPULSE me:

-sushi

-Subway sandwiches

-tomato soup from Pax

-soup in general

-peanut butter sandwiches

-Chinese food from Chef Yu or really anywhere else

-McDonald’s ice cream cones and McFlurries (this was more of an after work sort of thing, but now it is too cold to enjoy these cheap and lovely treats)

-Quizno’s

-tuna sandwiches from Pax

The only tolerable lunch foods:

-Burgers and Cupcakes veggie burgers, fries and cupcakes

-Thai Select

-things I have brought from home, though NOT quinoa with black beans. I am so sick of quinoa with black beans that I might throw up from just SEEING it.

-Cosi–the best thing that has ever happened to Midtown besides me. I have brought so much vitality and love to such a horrible and disgusting place.

There is a man that used to stand on 36th St. with no shirt before it got cold. He often wore sweatpants and sneakers. He wasn’t asking for money or anything, he was just hanging out, like all day long. One day he was wearing a shirt and a hat and I thought he looked attractive. Later I realized that this was a little pathetic. I guess when you work in an office with all women and gay men, you have to start thinking that shirtless strangers are attractive. Midtown is a really sad situation if someone like me has to stoop to this level. This leads me to the conclusion that Midtown is totally corrupting my sense of beauty. I think that I probably need to leave Midtown before it eats away all of the snotty liberal arts college values that I acquired over the past 4 years. I mean, that’s all I really have.

Quotes of the Day

“I am your perfect date,” my dad after reading my blog.

“She’s not even like a cool cokehead. I mean, she’s kind of lame. She’s just someone who does a lot of coke,” Courtney.

Westchester MAKEOVER!

Metro North is an incredible thing. It took me less time to get to Westchester than it does for me to get to Brooklyn. This leads me to the following conclusion:

WESTCHESTER IS THE NEW BROOKLYN!

I was thinking about moving to Brooklyn next year, but now I am probably going to move to Westchester. I will get more space there and it will be very quiet. I can start raising my family and start cooking more.

The only things I need for this dream to become a reality:

-some money

-someone to procreate with

-a grocery store

These are all very tangible and easy to obtain items. If you or anyone you know has access to these items, let me know—> julia.doctoroff@gmail.com

In other news, Michael made this website look more like the Juno posters. This is very good. Michael is a genius. Well, maybe not, but he is very good at computer things and this makes him a lot smarter than some people, people like Julia Doctoroff.

Michael said that the next time I come to Westchester we can get our hair done. I told him this was not “my idea of Westchester.” Then he suggested pedicures. At first I said okay and then I realized that the foot baths for pedicures have been known to make people get diseases in their feet and legs. Gross! My mom has cautioned me against pedicures and Craigslist. I can thank her for my lack of microwave and unkept feet.

Some of my addictions (just in case you were wondering) :

-the internet

-my bagel store (whole wheat everything bagel toasted with plain tofu spread)

-buying books

-Tylenol

-my cell phone

-concert ticket purchasing

-using my language–something I fear is going to go out of style soon

-lists

-promoting my blog and website

These are not too deadly. At least I don’t think so.

Things I have inherited from my mom:

-starting stories and then getting distracted and not finishing the story (on a side note: I have disagnosed myself with something I call ‘distraction disorder,’ which is sometimes also known as being ’so self-absorbed that you can’t listen to other people for extended periods of time’)

-enjoyment of sleeping

-interest in celebrity gossip, though she is ashamed of it and I am not. She won’t buy a subscription to People. Who is going to judge her? The mailman? (on a side note: I told my dad that I thought our mailman was attractive when I was home in San Francisco. He seemed upset by this and said that this wasn’t our usual mailman. I am not sure if this is true because I don’t live there.)

-the ability to diagnose other people as being on the autism spectrum, namely my dad

Things I have inherited from my dad:

-being a geek

-interest in bears

-love for Levi’s (although Walter probably gets some credit here too)

Passion

I think that my ideal date would contain the following:

-1 nerdy boy who is awkward and sarcastic

-a trip to a really great grocery store like Fairway, Trader Joes, Rainbow Grocery

- walking dogs that are clean and don’t slobber (do these dogs exist?)

I don’t know if that date is possible. It’s a nice idea.

My drinking hiatus is ending this Friday. I hope to get totally trashed, but not in a black out way. That sort of drinking is sort of disgusting and something that needs to be left in college. Sometimes when I am walking into my apartment, I see drunk women who all look the same smoking cigarettes. They are often laughing and smiling, but they don’t actually seem happy. I kind of hate everyone that lives in my neighborhood. It’s kind of an awful neighborhood.

Julia Vogl told me today that it seems like all I want to do is cook and have kids. The funny thing is that this is true. You wouldn’t expect this from me because I seem kind of too edgy for that sort of life. I am so contradictory! I am so incredible! WOW!

Julia Vogl also burned me the Juno soundtrack and Vampire Weekend. I am so happy about this. She is one of the best people ever. She wants me to go to a Jewish Singles Night with her. I don’t think I would fit in at one of those sorts of things. Jewish single men are probably awful.

On our trip to Fairway I bought the following items:

-Organic Red Quinoa

-Sea Salt

-Black Beans

-Organic Lentils

-Whole Wheat Tortillas

It cost 6 dollars. I am changing my opinions about grocery stores all the time. Wow, I am so fickle and unloyal. I think Fairway is my new favorite. Julia told me to start a grocery store. I like that idea. It is much better than working in publishing or some other bullshit field. Honestly, I don’t want to work at all. I would like to just kind of kick it and read and take the subway and walk around.

My favorite things:

-Quinoa, dogs, small tomatoes, Julia Vogl, ML, lolcats, quoting Veronica’s stand up when she is there, Veronica’s stand up, Vampire Weekend, gchat, grocery shopping, Kimya Dawson, The Blow, Of Montreal, live music that doesn’t have bad openers and stupid crowds, Juno, baking, cook books, walking home from work, talking to Joe and Walker on the phone, Yosemite, my sister’s use of the IX language, frosting, the 90s, The State, seeing somewhat famous people on the subway like the guy from What Not to Wear

My least favorite things:

-Scented things, milk, any flavor of Gatorade that isn’t orange, people who like movies that I think suck, tea that isn’t mint tea, getting up early, not getting enough sleep, raw meat that sits out for too long and the people that think it’s okay, eating food that is expired, white bread, bad quality cheese, my camera, rats, mice, pigeons who scare me when I’m in my apartment and they bang against the window, people who hate on my parents (these people don’t exist, but I’d fucking hate them if they did), people who are so dumb that they don’t understand why my sister would spend time helping people in prison (even though sometimes I think she should just be my personal cook/assistant–probably a smarter career choice for someone who cares about human rights/liberal causes)

I’d like to give Walker a shout out for being the only person who actually reads my blog. He is so dependable and lovely. He is the best thing ever. Maybe I will move to Chicago and see him all the time.