Correction thanks to Ms. Vogl

Apparently I forgot that Tiger Woods is not white.  He is, to be more accurate, 50% African American, 25% Chinese, and 25% Native American.  Sorry to be inaccurate, blog palz.

hozachi bingo

If you don’t know what this is, you are a loser.

These are a few of my favorite things:

-precut jicama

-cute old men who buy baguettes

-charles the dog

-cell phones

-cookies

-forcing mary liz to talk on the phone with me

-paychecks

-hozachi bingo

My sister reminded me that I a bad phone person.  Apparently one time I told her I “couldn’t talk” because I was taking a facebook test called “How White are You?”  I don’t know if this is true or not.

Trashy Trashy Tiger

Tiger Woods and Eliot Spitzer are so stupid. Why are straight rich men so stupid?  They just are.

I am tired of people asking for things “to go.”  Everything we have is to go.  When would you ever order a loaf of bread “for here.”  NEVER.  People need to understand that.  It is infuriating.  Another infuriating thing: indecision.  MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

I’d like to give a shout out to my dear friend Aviv in Israel.  He might write a guest blog.  He is a beautiful man and I love him dearly.

I am an INCREDIBLE artist.  I went to Terra Mia and painted pottery and it is so amazing that I cannot believe it.  I am incredible.  I should start my own pottery line.  WOW!

I am going to Portland next week to visit Mary Elizabeth.  She justified being a vegan by saying she used to eat only bread and candy and now she eats vegetables.  She could still eat only bread and candy because most bread IS vegan and so is most candy.  I am a chicken sandwichean.  That is all I eat.  I am obsessed with the ones we sell at the bakerix.  I have started referring to the Jewish customers as “my people,” though most of them are more annoying than the other customers. Jews feel very entitled.  I don’t know why.

My mom watches NCIS too much.  It is so stupid I want to cry.  I can no longer watch TV with her.  We are growing apart because she has lowered her TV standards.  It’s like her new boyfriend is a trashy redneck she met at a bar.  Her old boyfriend, Law and Order, was educated and classy.  She has lost her mind.

My sister is not a very good phone person.  I think she thinks she is, but I’m just going to definitively say that she isn’t.  She puts me on speaker phone when she is home.  I think that is not only trashy, but also very disrespectful, esp to me who has GREAT hearing and has to hear tons of background noise.  INSULTING.  She also often “can’t talk.”  What does that even mean?  I am so tired of other people being inadequate phone people that I sometimes feel like vomiting.  SERIOUSLY.

Stanyan McDonald’s and a rash all over my neck

I am maybe dying of eczema.  There is a rash all over my face and neck.  It is horrible and fatal.

My mom and I went to the Stanyan St McDonald’s and decided to sit down inside.  It is shady there.  There was a man that my mom thought was the stabber.  It wasn’t him I don’t think.  There was also a little boy with his grandpa–that was nice.

It has been a devastating week for me.  Mary Elizabeth has become a vegan.  I feel betrayed and upset.  I think I might eat more meat to compensate for her loss.  If you have any words of hope for her, please leave it in a comment.

People I used to think were okay but now I’ve changed my mind about:

-Obama

-Mary Liz

-most of my ex-boyfriends except the ones that are now gay

-Ethan Hawke–he is gross looking now

If you could be a sock monkey, what would you look like?

test

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Good Hair and Caffeine

I saw Good Hair today with Courtney.  It is a great movie made by Chris Rock about black womens’ hair.  I loved it.  You will love it to if you have any taste and don’t like lame boy sci-fi shit movies.  Boys have the worst taste in movies.  They are like dogs, or maybe rats.

I have decided to stop pretending I’m an Asiaphile.  I’m really not.  It’s a joke to pretend that I’ve ever been that way.

 

This is the kind of man I want, hence why I am forever single

Ode to the Cinnamon Oat Scone

You are making me fat

but I still love you.

I ate you for dinner

tonight and last night.

You are good old and young.

You are sticky in the morning

when I put you out to sell.

I gave one of you to a homeless man

in front of Whole Foods.

He loved you too.
Yes, this is where my creative writing degree is taking me.  I am seriously really into this scone.  I can’t look at it without being in love.  I cannot describe to you how amazing this scone is.  I don’t even like scones and it’s good.  It’s SO GOOD.  I need to stop eating this scone every day.  It’s not worth being obese over.

Today a woman ordered 160.00 worth of cookies, which actually isn’t that many cookies, and she said it was for a funeral.  I wanted to write on her order form that people who give her the cookies should be nice to her, but I didn’t.  Sadness.

I am concerned that Mary Liz has lost her mind.  Does anyone agree with this?  If you do, pls comment.

I really wish that my store did not sell Jewish pastries.  It PAINS me to listen to people say rugelach and hamentashen incorrectly.  It is horrible.  I am tired of representing Jews.  I hate it.  I hate being Jewish—it has brought me nothing but pain and suffering.  NOTHING GOOD.

 

 

Victory for R Doctoroff

Today I went to Whole Foods and bought my favorite thing–precut jicama.  Then I came home and ate some and it was sort of slimy and gross and I looked at the packing date and it was 11/11/09.  GROSSIX.  My dad is super pleased with himself because he is very anti-pre-packaged vegetables.  He wins one.

Sorry I have not been blogging.  I have been busy with celebrating my quarter century birthday.  I am old now.  It’s sort of horrible and I hate it.

Today there was a 15-year-old aged boy having an argument with his mom about why he couldn’t get a fruit tart.  It was so weird.  He was also playing with his mom’s hair.  It was so weird I wanted to disappear into the soymilk container.

If you would like me to write you a personalized blog post- style letter (even if I don’t know you), you can email me your address and I will write you one.  My email is: julia.doctoroff@gmail.com.  I will write you!

You can choose from the following topics:

my dad

the bakery

food

cookies

Underrated Gem: Stonestown Galleria

People who live in SF and have never been to Stonestown might as well pack up their shit and go back to their lame East Coast suburbs and Midwestern towns. You are DEFINITELY not a real San Francisco person unless you have been here.  It’s much better than Downtown.  I think so.  The food court is very good.  I bought a dress there today from Ann Taylor and the people there were very nice and helped me a lot.  I don’t think the people downtown would have been as nice.  There is also a McDonald’s connected to the mall, and we all know how I feel about McDonald’s ice cream cones–very positive.  I think people that look down on McDonald’s are not real Americans.  I think there is a real joy that can be found in both the mall and McDonald’s.  I don’t like people who think they are too good for these thing–they aren’t.  If people want to eat wheat bread at home, then they can, but I cannot say that, that is FUN.

Other American things I enjoy:

-The Daly City movie theater

-Hamburgers

-the 4th of July–Voglix Day

-summer

-Los Angeles