Pushing myself at the gym

The gym has been really physically challenging, but not in the usual ways. The main challenge I experience while training for my Roseanne watching marathon is the smell of the other gym members.

Here are some smells I have had to overcome:

1. Goat.

2. Gross man who likely won’t shower for several hours or ever.

3. Strong floral perfume or air freshener or cleaning product?

4. Smoke on a person sweating.

5. Axe body spray.

6. Bleach.

7. Gross women’s bathroom odors.

The gym is about getting out of your comfort zone and becoming a better person all around. I am not sure if I am game for this sort of awful feat.

I am the sort of person that spends a really long time on one machine watching a bunch of amazing programs such as Roseanne, SVU, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Top Chef (this is not really amazing, it’s a backup), Snapped, Rachel Maddow (a good show but not probably the best for working out), Anderson Cooper (same as Rachel but less smart), and occasionally the local news when I want to be really bored/depressed.

To stay on a machine for an hour or more is not very hard for me in terms of moving on the elliptical. The true obstacle is standing one foot away from some who is making me feel like gagging or throwing up. I don’t know why there is not an Olympic event for people with incredible senses of smell having to smell horrible things. In addition to the nauseated feeling, these people make me have a minor headache.

That said, I continue to persevere. The Roseanne Marathon is this summer in Barcelona and I am hoping to PR.

In addition to training, I have been getting injured at work, and so has Afton. Last week I cut my face on the fridge by nicking it on the corner of the door. Afton accidentally pricked her chin with a push pin. Office Olympians do have some minor injuries.

Afton, Afton, Afton

One of my dear friends from work (Afton) got upset when I mentioned two other dear friends from work in a different blog. Then today I didn’t introduce her to my dad (another offense.) I will now devote this entire blog post to honoring her.

Here are some things I enjoy about Afton:

1. She gives me direct feedback about everything: my restaurant choices (Mel’s and the Olive garden are too expensive), my clothing (that is not Studio 54).

2. She has good taste in movies and she is a fan of Colin Firth and all the movies he’s in.

3. She likes to say I am “rough and tumble” because I grew up in San Francisco and I am not from a suburban area like she is.

4. She enjoys domestic things like baking and being a homebody.

5. She is very interested in Jewish culture and likes to discuss it with me all the time.

6. She often looks like she has just been sailing instead of sitting at her desk.

7. She came to the opening of my free cubicle restaurant Chez Doctoroff.

8. She allows me to make fun of her office tour almost every week.

9. She was a very convincing Margot Tenebaum for Halloween.

10. She says she is passive but I don’t think that is true because she seems to always be sharing her opinions about everything.

 

 

Losing the Super Bowl and some other thoughts

1. The greatest moment of the Super Bowl was when the 49ers ran out to California Love. It was just beautiful. 

2. The worst moment(s) of the Super Bowl were losing and all the sexist ads. Women are people–they aren’t around to sell shitty websites.

Some license plates I have thought of:

1. GANGRIS–based on a fictional disease I invented.

2. SVU: JSD–this is obviously SVU and my initials, but the DMV would never honor this genius idea.

3. LOSRI–a synonym for loser. Pronounced laz-ree.

4. JULIXD

5. DR OFF–my uncle already has this.

6. SCHLEP2–in honor of Voglix’s former car SCHLEP1.

7. OBENSON

8. BATESUX

9. 30ROCK

10. JDOCTOR

My gym gives out free pizza the first Monday of the month. It is totally ridiculous. Tonight I think I took the last two pieces. I think my gym tries to be too fun. It isn’t fun to be in close proximity to others. It IS fun to watch Roseanne. 

New interests:

1. Rearranging things. Yes, this is vague, but it applies across the board.

2. Thinking about getting a new phone.

3. Making fresh spring rolls and being a smug asshole about it.

4. Thinking about growing my bangs out and learning to use bobby pins like whoa.

In summary, all is well aside from the fact that having white carpet is disgusting.

 

Reasons why I don’t sleep enough or spend enough time in bars (dedicated to my coworker readers Christy and Cassandra)

1. Netflix is a vast landscape of sitting in your bed and not talking to anyone.
2. It’s really important to watch videos of Martha Stewart making terrariums or hanging plates on the wall. 
3. Rearranging your decorative miniature items and throwing out recycling in your closet are awesome, truly.
4. Decluttering areas of your room that make your OCD boyfriend upset is a joy.
5. Looking at people as bridesmaids on Facebook in weddings of people I don’t know.
6. Looking at people’s photos in their entirety on Facebook, especially people you have not seen in 10 + years.
7. Reading advice columns on Slate.
8. Not wanting to be out any having to walk up my dark hill alone and having to call the SVU.
9. Rearranging my bathroom drawers.
10. Writing Christmas cards to people who sent me one.
11. Getting rid of stress balls and all this hannukah stuff that who knows where it even came from.
12. Reading almost every article about this girl you used to be friends with in college that is now probably one of the most famous people ever.
13. Ordering shoes online that never fit.
14. Returning those shoes and writing feedback to their sites about their shitty return policies where you have to pay for return shipping.
15. Writing Yelp reviews to beat Matt in numbers.
16. Vacuuming and sweeping and rearranging your decorative pitchers and tins in the kitchen.
17. Doing laundry and then waiting for that laundry and then putting away that laundry.
18. Researching flights to LA and London.
19. Talking to Matt on Skype all the time.
20. Arranging the toys in my plants.

Gym messages

I’ve been spending a lot of time at the gym recently.  I have learned quite a bit.

People like to tell you about themselves with their t-shirts they wear to the gym. 

1. I like the Giants.

2. I ran a marathon! Amazing!

3. I do yoga in a very crunchy way, which is why I’m wearing very flowy clothing that doesn’t really make sense for the elliptical.

4. I went to Oregon and I love bars and I love sororities.

5. I’m trying to look like I’m of age (though I look 12) by wearing a shirt from a bar.

6. I’m, like, a very serious runner. That’s why I am in the gym with all this great gear.

The main takeaway from the gym is how much I adore Roseanne. It is an amazing show. It’s funny and not total bullshit. My favorite people on the show are Darlene and David. I wish David were not on a stupid show now. 

Hot things this week:

1. Soup.

2. Sweating on BART.

3. Having a dance party to Beyonce to get more steps on your pedometer. Alone.

 

 

 

Stairs

I got a pedometer and it measures how many floors I’ve walked up. The first week I had it, instead of doing the logical thing and going to the gym, I walked up and down the stairwells in my office during lunch. The stairwells are freezing, have motion-sensored lights, and are decorated with graffiti from people who have worked in the building. The graffiti is faint, but you can see it when you’re leaning against it while panting. I only walked up and down the stairs for a few days. The downsides were: being very sweaty after lunch, my knees hurting, and being scared I might get trapped in the stairwell. I have switched the gym, which is a wee bit more entertaining due to movies like 27 Dresses and TV shows like Snapped (a “documentary” show about murder.)

 

When your life becomes a commercial

When you watch a lot of Hulu, you see the long form version of the Nuvaring commercial quite frequently. Who wouldn’t rather mute some annoying women for two minutes versus watching, like, four annoying car commercials? Even stranger, when you use the Nuvaring, these women look even more ditzy because you already know about it. That is, until you become them.

Today I was walking down the street with my friend and she was talking about how her gyno is a jerk and always assumes she has sex with men, when she doesn’t. We were walking to the pharmacy to pick up Nuvaring, so it was a topic on our minds. She was wondering about Nuvaring, so I began to talk about the hormones and side effects.

Then she asked a question that was DIRECTLY from the commerical, “How do you put it in?” I started laughing because we seemed exactly like the two women from the commercial. I guess I need to stop thinking everything is dumb. But we were not giggling because birth control isn’t really funny or fun, it’s just expensive.