Letter from Camp

Maybe I will be writing from camp.

I got my cabin today.  I am living with 3 other women.  They are nice.  I have a porch.  This is my five year old paragraph.

Camp is so much better when it is not raining.  I hate rain when you don’t have heat.  That is a bad combination.  FREEZIX!

I only have one sweatshirt at camp.  I am angry about this.  I stupidly left all my sweatshirts in NY.  IDIOTFROG!!  I think this makes me sort of like a cartoon character.  I am always wearing a Wisconsin hoody.  No, I did not go there.  No, I am not from there.

Sarah Stroe just came into the office.  She is one of my favorite people ever.  She was wearing a shirt that said “In Bears We Trust.”

Benjamin is going to become a garden volunteer.  He is going to ruin his skinny jeans!  Fuck.  What a waste of money.

Mary Elizabeth Grace Critchlow, blog activist

Mary Elizabeth Grace Critchlow fights for rights of the blog community. This blog is dedicated to her.

I went on an adventure to the Pacific NW. I visted ML, Courtney, Ari, Justin, Justin, and Benn. I played Wii Fit! WOW. It is fun. Well sort of. It told me I was obese. That made me angrix. There are fatter people in the world. Are we all obese? I don’t want to be American anymore!

It was half off night at Blue Moon Burgers in Seattle. I went with my girlfriend. I bought us burgers and fries for $7.99! WOW. I LOVE CHEAP THINGS. They taste way better.

This is not the same burger we got. But it is very beautiful. My dad told me to eat more protein so I don’t feel like I have mono. I AM!

Just know that I noticed that I went from talking about being obese to eating a burger. No, I do not see the connection.

I took the bus to Canada. The Canadian border people HATED me. I think they were stupid and didn’t understand what a non-profit was. I think they took this to mean terrorist organization. God, they were SO incompetent.

“What do you do in America?”

“I work for a non-profit organization.”

“Is that a drug cartel?”

“No.”

“Have you ever been denied access to Canada before?”

“No.”

“Who are you visiting?”

“My boyfriend.”

“What does he do?”

“He is a student at UBC.”

“What does he do in his spare time?”

“He plays recorder.”

“Is that a weapon?”

This is almost what the conversation was like. I really don’t have a lot of love for Canada/Canadians.

I ate the best sushi I have ever had in Vancouver at a place called Toshi’s. It was BOMB. I like sushi a lot. I wish I could eat it for dinner every night.

ML does not want me to join the Park Slope Food Co-op. She thinks it is too yuppie. I think she is a yuppie. She lives in Seattle.

SCARY MAN AT TARGET AGGGGGGGGHHH

More blogging will occur until I go back to Yosemite:

Today my mom and I went to Target, a joyous event indeed.  After we were done buying farm animal toys, bubbles, sports bras, gifts for my girlfriend, and bath puffs, we went to the food court.  I got tomato soup that was reheated after they poured it out of a bag.  Lissa got salad and diet coke!  I was talking and Lissa started looking off to the side.  She wasn’t listening.

“What, mommy?”

“That man stole a pizza.”  She was talking about the mini Round Table pizzas.  “Don’t look.  He’s talking to himself.”

He had scary eyes.  His eyes were black and AWFUL. I started to get worried he was going to kill us.

“Let’s go!”

“Okay, Julix.”

But I had to pee.  I wanted Lissa to come into the bathroom but she had to stay outside because we couldn’t bring our things in the bathroom.  SHIT.

I think I’ve been watching too much Law and Order because while we were walking to our car, I was convinced that the scary man was going to shoot me in the back.

Back in AUGUST—SRYix

The blog is on vacation until the end of August.

If you would like the blog to come back, you just have to be patient.  I do not want any more hate mail.  I do not want any more death threats.

I need you to pray to the Lord.  If you can do that, the blog will return to us.

Snail Family

My mom has 8 snail pets. They are very friendly. They live in a lettuce box. They are her class pets. Today she let the kids in her class spray the snails with water. My mom told the kids that the snails liked this even though she didn’t ask the snails!

Benn and I walked to Golden Gate Park from my house today. We lay down in the grass. Benn told me I pronounced his book’s title incorrectly. It is WAY too hot. I am over this sort of weather. I want AC!!

The snail family lives on our porch when it’s here on the weekends. There is one baby snail. It is so cute. I think I will name it Mary Elizabeth.

Benn is making pizza dough. He is getting flour all over the floor.

I have a fan on in the kitchen. It is not a good fan. I still feel really hot.

BACK FROM THE DEAD

I just spent a few weeks in the afterlife. It was fun. Guess who’s bacK? Julix’s back. I have a new single coming out.

I just got back to the lovely state of CA. I spent a lot of time today getting back in touch with my roots. I did this by watching 6 hours of the Millionaire Matchmaker. It is a really incredible show. This is what the woman looks like:

She is Jewish. She is blunt. I am kind of in love. Maybe she can set me up with herself. I really like her because she yells at all of these incompetent rich men. Like just because they are rich doesn’t mean they have game!! Most of them have no game at all. They totally suck. I could totally date better than they can. This one guy kept telling this woman how pretty she was–over and over again. He was so dumb. HE DOESN’T GET IT.

While I was in Detroit with Benn, we both got new Levi’s skinny jeans. We are cool now. We went to a mall in Troy. But Jen and Benn both corrected me and told me it wasn’t a mall. Apparently it is a collection because it has two sides. It has a skywalk! WOW! I love the Midwest–so refined.

I really don’t like it when people take San Francisco away from me. Today Eamon said, “Welcome back to MY city.” NO WAY. He is from Santa Cruz. He might have been born here, but he DID NOT grow up here. That is like me telling Mary Liz, “Welcome back to MY BROOKLYN.” That is not true. I only lived in Brooklyn for 2 weeks.

BKLYN—I’m going to be on Cribs

Hi there. I know I haven’t written in hella long. Let me explain. Rachael and I just moved into a new place in Brooklyn and we have been spending almost all our time talking to the Mtv Cribs people. Here’s how it will go, “Hi, I’m Julia Doctoroff.  Come on in. Look. We have 2 toasters. I know it’s kind of a little insane….”

Then I can show them my cars and my hot tub. It’s all there. SHIT!

I know I normally don’t give shout outs on my blog, but I feel the need to now… Gilbix, Bunny, and Patrizzz were the best movers. We didn’t break ANYTHING and they helped me assemble all my furniture. I feel like I am in paradise. I don’t have to listen to traffic on toolface UES 2nd ave. My room is BIG. I have so much light. We have a living room. It is THE BEST APARTMENT IN THE WORLD. When Mtv gets here, they are going to be totally overwhelmed. Here is how the conversation will go with the hipster producer :

Trevor: Julia, I’m not quite sure how we’re going to film this. Your square footage is just so much more than we’re used to.

Julia: You’re going to have to just deal with that, Trevor. I can’t help it that I live in an awesome place.

Trevor: Yeah, I know. Do you think you can wear this? (He hands me a gold bikini top and booty shorts)

Julia: No, I don’t think I can. Is it cool that I wear this oversized T-shirt shirt and dirty cutoff shorts?

Trevor: Oh, totally. That’s really different than what we’re used to. The viewers might really be blown away by that. Yeah, that’d be awesome. You’re so fucking smart.

Julia: Yeah, I know. Maybe after the shoot, I could work for Mtv?

Trevor: I was going to suggest that. You beat me to it!

GUEST ENTRY–It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to

The lovely Julia Vogl wanted to write a guest entry for my blog. She is a 4th of July baby! FIREWORKS AND DC! YAY. Except for the fact that everyone BLOWS HER OFF. FUCK THEM. Here is why Julia hates having her birthday on the 4th of July:

1) Everyone see’s it as an opportunity to go away [to lame places like Long Island and Cape Cod]
2) People get married and have parties, so people can’t come to my party
3) People think that holidays need to be spent with family over friends [bros before hos, right?]
4) People overbook their time, because they think they have more time then they do, and then they don’t get to do what they really want to do like come to my party

JULIA DOCTOROFF’S REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD GO TO VOGL’S PARTY:

1) She is a GREAT DANCER, so much that she often makes you dance when you don’t want to. Sometimes I feel assaulted by her dancing, but like in a nice way.

2) She often provides odd food like pizza, bagels, or candy.

3) She always compliments people–I never come away from talking to her feeling like shit. A lot of people I talk to DO make me feel this way. Right on, Vogl.

4) She talks a lot, so you never feel like you have to talk that much.

5) She’s a lightweight so you won’t have to buy her too many drinks. CHEAP PRESENT!

6) She is a first generation American, so she’s like the IDEAL person to have a 4th of July birthday, and this I think is somewhat hipster and indie. Like, OMG she’s totally first generation. Shit.

7) She lives with ANOTHER JULIA. People named Julia know how to party. And Vogl and Schwarz can hold their liquor a hell of a lot better than I can.

If I were a ferret AND blog has reached 2,000 HITS–WOW

Just some research I did while perusing ferret.com.

I think I am going to get one. I would like my ferret to wear hipster clothes. My ferret will hang out in cool bars. My ferret is going to drink scotch straight up. My ferret is going to cook me four course meals. Actually, I think Benn is a ferret. He is skinny and hairy. Maybe I don’t need a ferret since I have Benn. But I can’t take Benn on a walk and people don’t stop to admire Benn on the street. It’s okay though because Benn doesn’t bite and I don’t have to feed him.

Today I went to an event for the Oberlin class of 2012. They had all the characteristics of Oberlin freshmen–big hopeful eyes, dyed hair, those disgusting marks on their necks from their geeky instruments, the idea that they are REALLY UNIQUE…etc. I was amused. I had to stand on a stage and talk about Oberlin. I didn’t like it that all the older alums were there. They didn’t make Oberlin look cool. I do.

The blog has 2018 hits. PARTY TIME EXCELLENT.

Michael Showalter + Julix = LOVE